Faith and it's hope in the woods.

What I cannot say out loud but what is in my head and heart...so why not: 

People ask me about why I am so opposed to relationships at the moment. Well, it is because I am confused. I am unsure of what I think and hence I am unsure of what I want. I know what I want in life. I want to hike the AT, go to grad school and become a counselor, have babies (ha perhaps just adopt on my own without being married), and make a small change in the world around me. I know these things. What I don't know is what I think about faith, God, politics, right and wrong...and how would I know what type of guy I want to share my life with then.

Even as I type this I think I know. I want someone who loves God and is trying to seek Him but sees the complications to it...understand the battle that I feel when it comes to faith and Christianity and the church.

I struggle with it so much...

There seems such hopelessness in not believing in with full faith in God. No one to pray to in times of sorrow, no one to trust in times of fear, no one to have hope in that there is something better or a purpose, no one to make sense of the confusion in right and wrong, no one to push you to be something more and better than you are...but I can't just dive into it. Why?

I think a part of it is cause I don't want to be like so many "Christians" or  Christians out there. The hypocrisy and the seemingly lack of serious thought in their words and their actions...I guess it would take a lot for me to explain how I fully about that...and I do not mean this about everyone I know...so please do not take this the wrong way...there is just a deep pain to the injustice that is caused by those in the name of God...

Another part is because there are parts of it that don't make sense...parts that seem absurd or factually proven wrong. Perhaps I am too afraid of being scientifically proven wrong...and I am so good at seeing the point of the other side on either end...I perhaps cannot get my own back bone in this issue...despite all my studying and debating...I am still left having a hard time just diving into all the facts of the Bible.

 I think a huge part of why it is hard is because there is so much pain in believing...there are a lot of really harsh and painful aspects of what God did in the Old Testament that I don't understand how people just bare and grin...how it is never a point of contention for others...and mostly what about the issues that I just can't get past and that make me so angry when I hear Christians debate or make statements on?

The issue of homosexuality has been one of those topics that crush me...that make me so sad and so angry and so resentful that I don't know what to do so I just shut down. I hate it when I hear Christians make statements like "don't let him wear a bow on his head (referring to a 4 year old who is jealous his little sister gets to wear bows)..."you need to make sure you teach him about the beauty of the difference between being a man vs a woman now and make sure he is all boy" (what in the world does being "all boy" even mean?!!? Jesus didn't seem all boy if you ask me in comparison to what our society teaches or taught about being a man)...and it breaks my heart when it is said about how "the difference between being a girl and a boy are God given differences that He designed inside people"...and when people say "I hope they get better" as if being a LGBT is an illness. Even typing all this sends me into so much pain...and yet it is such a flippant easy answer for so many Christians...and I there is so much hate and pain caused in the name of Christ and I just don't believe it…

I think sometimes I have gotten confused in who God is and what He says and everything that Christians say He is and what He does and will do…I guess I feel that so much of why church is hard or what not is that everyone is trying to tell you who God is…and quite frankly people have their different opinions or beliefs in that…

We give advice and our opinions too quickly and too flippantly I think…with the authority of God as our power…but do we have that in all the things we say??? I just wish God would come down and be His own voice to clear the overwhelming fog that I feel has gathered of other's voices for God. 

The crushing pain that people deal with...whether it be dealing with your sexual  identity, sexual assault, depression, crushed dreams…I think while God offers so much hope there is a lot of pain in hope that make it harder for some people…I think this is hard for me too. I am bitter. I have a lot of broken dreams...I am crushed and I don't want to let anything in. Just like relationships have left me very hurt and I truly do not trust them or guys in the way of my heart…well…I guess I don't trust God…or what people tell me of God…

If the Bible is supposed to be what I read for hope and encouragement…what do I do when it leaves me hurt or angry?

I need to clear my mind…and I would like to do it in the middle of the woods on mountain top…or petting a wild horse in the middle of a field on the AT. 

But in all this I want God...sometimes in the most random moments I realize that I want God so bad...I don't mean all this to say that I have come to the point of no belief...but I just don't understand how this is something so easy for some...

"Say something, I am giving up on you"

I have been thinking a ton about being alone…why is it so painful? 

I feel like I am changing into someone I do not like in my loneliness. I want to simple feel alive. I suppose I am realizing that I do not feel alive when I am alone…

Human interaction is beautiful and so essential to our lives. 

I feel like my relationships are so shallow and surface level at the moment from only floating in and out of the lives of the people I work with…I am realizing how much I crave to have a deep connection with someone…and that being the person I want to combine lives with. 

Because in my loneliness I have become somewhat more of a cynic toward relationships. They seem messy and they seem overwhelming to me. How do you tell someone you are not interested? Can you continue a beautiful and meaningful relationship with someone who it will never work to be together? 

Are we all just grasping for something and someone…I mean what draws us to other people…why in my loneliest time of my life do I find myself being drawn to flirt more than ever before?

And how far do you stray away from close relationships with someone of the opposite sex to whom you know it will not lead you down the road of a happy ending…doesn't someone always get hurt…isn't that why relationships are so messy?

I keep finding myself thinking that I am being absolutely absurd in what I want in someone to date and figure out life together…I keep realizing that maybe what I want doesn't exist or maybe I do not know what I want…

And so why am I so pulled to draw attention to myself if the one thing I want to do is figure myself out before I drag someone else into it?

I do not think that your life begins or ends with anyone else…I think it is just a journey you are on by yourself and someone else comes in with their journey and you walk together and then when your journey together ends then you keep on journeying. 

I want someone to walk in stride with me…like hiking the AT. I don't want to have to try to drag someone along or worry about wether they really want to go or if they are going to want to hang in town all the time…I want to walk…and whoever ends up walking next to me…well it's because they are walking along the same pace. 

But what happens when we meet people walking different paces…

And my question is…who is responsible for the pain that happens with relationships when they do not work the way we want…

I have been told I over communicate about where I am in life or why I won't date someone…but I can't help it…I just feel the overwhelming need to be honest and open…and to gain from the relationships in front of me and around me. Mystery doesn't help anyone…but I suppose what I am wondering is does honesty make continuing to poor into people around you a good thing. 

If I tell a guy that I am not interested but hang out and talk with them all the time…has my honesty made that relationship healthy?

I just feel an overwhelming weight in the responsibility in how my relationships with other people have the most terrifying possibilities. 

I feel like I am supposed to know how to perfectly deal with a relationship in which my actions control the other person's reaction to the situation. 

I try to walk so delicately because i don't think we realize how much our actions and words impact others…

But I can't seem to get it right and I am terrified of getting hurt but mostly I am scared out of my mind to hurt or cause damage to someone else. 

I wish people thought more…and that I wouldn't keep accidentally sleeping through church. 

The End.

Alice and Wonderland

"Why is it that you are always too small or too tall?" -a quote from Alice in Wonderland.

    There always seems to be something that gets in the way. The way of my goals, my happiness, my faith, my friendships, my getting in shape...so why is that things just are always going awry. Getting sick, saying goodbye to so many good friends, the dogs getting out so I am late to work, working but never having money...things just never seem to go smoothly. The last few weeks have been a dazzling example of this fact...

But something else I have been thinking of in the mists of feeling discouraged and overwhelmed:

“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” 

By the time I finish this blog I will be a different person. I love that. I love that I get the chance of becoming more...more then I was a few seconds before...

So what is the more that will be a part of who I am?

Emotional maturity...emotional discipline.

80 YEARS AND CAKE

I just wasted an absurd amount of very valuable sleep time watching a stupid TV show...I remember now why it is nice to not have a working laptop or internet. And now I cannot sleep...it is the same thing that has happened every night I watch TV in bed before I sleep...and yet here I am once again.

Then it occurred to me: Remember this moment...

Reminder #1 for my future self: Don't watch TV in bed before bedtime.

And here it is...life is so fast. It's hard to keep up...and yet so often I put myself behind...and for what?

How much of my life am I setting myself back? One day you have to grow up. One day you have to choose between what is permissible and what is beneficial.

God is full of love and patience but what grief at the loss of the glory He tries to get me to live in.

Am I Gatsby? Am I full of fanciful hope and passion to reclaim the past? Am I asking the world for an unrealistic outcome...while spending so foolishly the hope and passion I have on something that is just as unsteady as myself?

It is hard work to achieve your dreams if they have not decided to crawl easily into your lap...but when did I become so despondent that I stopped trying to crawl into my dream's lap?

Satan does not have to be insane and pushy...he just has to be simple and close.
Am I Samson...did I give my powers up? I want that last surge of strength to push through what seems like an unbreakable surface.

Why has hope forfeited with so little a fight? And why am I so content to give into the empty comforts. The ones that keep me from fulfilling my dream and yet that I use to console my heart so broken from unfilled dreams.

Life is too hard, to demanding, and moving forward too quickly for me to continue to repeat the past. Yes Gatsby, you can relive the past...but it is never something charming to pursue. I cannot reclaim anything...I can claim what is ahead.

Just as I cannot go back and sleep the last 5 hours...
...I won't pine the loss...I will learn from the loss.

Pick up from where you are...not where you want to be.

Use the fork to eat some cake!!!

Oregonized

Mountains to forrest to the beach. My heart has been stolen. Portland is beautiful and the people there are so kind. 

I needed a vacation more then I realized that I did. And seeing my most cherished friends Lauren and Mille was magical. I miss them so much. It is rare that you find such sweet friends who you can be so much yourself with and feel so loved no matter what...I want to never stop appreciating that gift. 

Visiting Portland made me think a lot. And I am still thinking so I won't share all my thoughts...but one thing is it has made me realize what Nashville was all about.

I moved to Nashville with grand expectations and the intention of healing. But something else happened instead...well along side...I have found healing...but healing looked a lot like finding myself. I think that God knew I needed to stop long enough to have to see that I lost my way. For the last 7 years I have side stepped...a funky dance with God, family, friends, love...one move after another that was not forward...and these dances have been beautiful, joyful, healing, painful, harmful, and a myriad of other things...

I think that God knew that the healing I really needed was to see what I have been doing and how lost I had become. He is beautiful and loving and so big. He knew that I needed to meet Him and dance alone with Him. 

I think that what Nashville has brought to me most...is the reminder that I must trek into the world doing what God has passionately placed deep inside of me. I am me...I have passions and dreams and paths to take. I have been so afraid to do the things I know are rooted deeply in me to do...I am afraid because I do not want to do them alone. I want to be where the people I love are...but the people I love are everywhere...I cannot be with everyone...and yet...I feel that where I am supposed to go is where no one is. A place where not a soul is known to me...and for the first time in 7 years...I am eager to start this journey. 

God has given me the most beautiful community of people. Friends in Portland, in Nashville, in VA, in NJ, in Scotland, in Kentucky...everywhere. These people are so beautiful and I think that God would have me learn to appreciate them to the fullest. The thing is...that if I am not taking care of me...and doing what is me...then I will always be doing something that is someone else's...

This may not make sense to anyone and yet this is the biggest thing. I am me. And I am almost okay to be me. I am strong and I desire to be with God in the woods. So perhaps you may find me hiking the Appalachian Trail sooner then later...or you may find me up on a mountain top standing in awe of the God that I am eager to meet...

I am eager to be me...even if being me takes me away from all the people I most dearly love...

I am eager to meet God...away from all the confusion of what others say about Him or how to be like Him...

"I wish I could be more like the mountains."

I don't know what all of this means or will bring...but I know it's big...and something inside of me is waking. And I am afraid. 

Planes hearts and horses

Heart, planes and pine trees.

Sunlux and I hang out on a plane. I would be seated next to a small child :) hahaha I love it! God knew it would warm my heart :)

There are a lot of hearts on a plane and I always wonder what is going on in the lives of the people around me as people talk to each other. I wonder if everyone wants to be talking to complete strangers or they want to be left alone. I just listened to two people have a conversation that just felt like they were just agreeing with each other to get acceptance...

That conversation made me think about how I've been battling the desire to impress people and not even thinking about God. Ironically I've been in the season of life in which I really am not a very impressive person...but that made me think about whether God was impressed with me...I think He smiles much more than He frowns at me at us. Somehow in the end impressing God is so much more peaceful and less taunting then impressing man. God is so loving and gentle...and He's always watching and sees those moments you try...and He's so glad to have you...even if that moment is short. Sometimes people don't see when you try...God does though. It's nice to know that the only one I need to try for is God...and He finds my child like attempts beautiful. There is so much love and grace found in Him. One of my babies at work has stolen my heart...I think he's the best even when he's throwing a fit or cussing me out...I am so proud of him and just want to hug him a lot...Gods way way more in love with us and loves to hug us and help us and correct us more then I do for Sam...I can't imagine God having more love then I do for my little friend...but Gods love is way way big!!!

I wish they still handed out pretzels on airplanes...

Finding Neverland

I have a lot of words stuck in my head lately, and it's been making it hard to hold conversations...so today I am going to sort through my mind. I love how God loves to know us. :)

Lately I have been stuck in this state of “What is was”, “What it was supposed to be”, “Why???”, “What it could be”...and that makes it hard to be in “What it is”. I feel that there has only been a few times in the last 6 months that I have been fully present. It makes me very sad. If the grass is always greener on the other side or only green where you water it then I think my grass is a little bit brown...or a lot brown...

See...I guess I am still processing everything with my move to Nashville...I am discouraged...disappointed...at myself for how I haven't been able to get my bearings yet. I haven't been able to adjust to how things are...I am just so angry at myself for that. I guess everyone here in Nashville has met a more healthy and more Spirit filled me...but they have also met an angrier and overwhelmed me. I am not an angry person...but lately I have found myself in a constant state of irritation that is so quickly turned into anger...everything seems to be the straw that broke the camels back. I am angry at a lot of things...including myself...because I am not who I want to be...who I long to show you...I love being fun and crazy and meeting new people...I just feel so frazzled all the time and tired and sick. I am so tired of being sick.

I have been realizing the magnitude of my expectations and the effect they have on my life. I have felt the bitterness of disappointment almost constantly.

I guess I felt that moving to Nashville would be one big party and adventure...it has been far from that for me.

I have come to Nashville to heal and to grow...and that the Lord is doing so beautifully and lovingly. He is a tender and the best hand holder. He has been by my side through all my anger and frustration and tears...constantly reminding me that I am here for Him and His healing in my heart and mind and life. I would make this move to Nashville a million times over and over again because of what God is doing in my life. I would move to know Him better the way I know Him now over and over...but there is still a lot of readjusting to be done for me. I guess I do not readjust as quickly as I thought. I wish I had not come to Nashville with so many expectations...

I am so discouraged. I feel that I am never present where I am and with the people I adore. I work 40 hours a week with babies...babies that I have fallen in love with...but they are not my own children and sometimes how much I love them hurts because they remind me how much I long to love my own babies! I am constantly exhausted because babies are tiring...so I go to bed early and rise early and all I want to do is sleep after I get off work...I am a pseudo mom...but I don't have a husband and child to go home to...I have a group of awesome crazy friends who I want to have the energy to hang out with...but I do not...and I am disappointed and discouraged because I am always too tired to adventure with them or even be fully present with them...babies also make you sick a lot!!!! DISCLAIMER: I LOVE MY JOB...I have never had a job that makes my heart so happy and I love these babies and their moms so very much! I wouldn't trade it for the world...It is my ministry and my my life right now...I just want to not be sick...any tips??? I am sick again and was too sick to fully enjoy the beauty of last nights Christmas show! It was wonderful! My friends are beautiful and giving and talented and I cannot believe I am getting blessed to be friends with them!!! I want to enjoy them the way they deserve to be enjoyed! Last year for the show I had driven up with friends and our moms to visit! I was full of life and excitement and enchantment...I was full of wanting to help and soak up every moment with them I could. This year I was feverish, falling asleep, and grumpy...wanting to be home in my bed. It broke my heart...how I am now in all my frustration, sickness, tiredness, and discouragement is breaking me heart.

I feel I moved away from everything I knew to step into something so beautiful and needed...and I am missing out on it all. I am watching the world happen around me without being a part of it. I want to be a part of it...but I don't know how. I don't know how to not be exhausted and sick. I don't know how to not be discouraged or disappointed.

To my friends: I love you all and I think you are all the most beautiful people inside and out that I ever met and I long so much to be able to be more present when I am with you all and to bless you the way you bless me. I just want you to know how much you are loved and cherished...you all break my heart in the best of ways and my heart is aching to be not overwhelmed so that I can truly enjoy you all as you are meant to be!!! I miss you all...I miss being friends...unconstrained and unhindered by anything...I miss being fully present when we all hang out. I miss not being sick and tired and being a pseudo mom.

I am sad at how things have turned out...I feel that I am watching the coolest movie and I don't want to watch it I want to be a part of it!!!

I ask for your prayers, encouragement, comments, rebuke...lol all of the above. I am blessed...but I am discouraged. It's a weird place to be in.

But I am here...and God is here with me. He is steady, loving, patient, and aching for and with me. I am learning so much and things are being broken off me that have been weighing me down for years. I am getting healed...but I feel very lonely in it...not to anyone's fault but perhaps my own. Maybe this is a time to be just alone with God a lot...but I am not doing a very good job at that.

God wants to bring life and light into your world...and when you give Him room...He brings it on! God is awesome. Make room...I am trying to learn/remember to keep doing that...I don't want anything...sickness, exhaustion, discouragement, disappointment, anger, or whatever to get in the way of that. I am trying...God is so proud...

God is so proud of our smallest efforts...cause He knows that He is the one that does the work...we have only to come to Him...it's ridiculous how much we have it all wrong...we think we have to do all the work so we get too discouraged to come to Him cause we aren't healed yet...God's like...whoa whoa whoa...just come to me like a little kid...little kids know where it's at. So be a kid. It's kinda fun...and always awesome to see how much God keeps His promises.

Today I feel like Peter Pan...today I feel like I grew up...that I am growing up...to live will be a big adventure J.M. Barrie said once...he was onto something.

I am having growing pains, but I want to be grateful for this time that God has designed for me that is for me to grow up and learn...He brought me here to teach me...to equip me...to grow me...it is not easy...it hurts...but one day I will learn how to adjust to it and find joy in all circumstances even when it means letting go of what I thought and holding on to what is...even when it hurts.