How can I heal if I don't know time?

You know what's wonderful?

 God is always trying to get to you...I went for a walk the other day that had the potential of self pity...when all of a sudden God showed up very loudly and clearly bringing up an issue that I had not been aware of. Setting yourself up for failure. We do it all the time...I don't think we wake up one day and say I am going to screw up my life...no I think we invite sin with such subtly that we don't even realize it. That is what Satan wants...just enough to keep us completely clueless...but God loves us so much that He won't stand for that. He desires to make us wise...and sometimes He knows we need to hear what He has to say so even when we aren't trying to listen He is loud and clear!!!

I would suggest trying to listen though...I am working on it!

And I need it...we need to hear our King...He has a lot of life to bring! And a lot of light to bring to our darkness!

Umbrellas and Bushes

I am eating Tofu at the moment and contemplating whether the eggs I ate this morning were stopping the process of a baby chicken coming into life or if the egg was just never fertilized...so forgive me if my post turns out a bit strange. Speaking of strange...to feel that no where is home is strange...I just went and visited Lynchburg where I have lived for the last 5 years but it no longer felt like home...in just a month it became a strange place to visit with beautiful friends there that I have missed. And then I journed back home to Nashville...but that doesn't feel like home either...it was strange to be caught up in the in between...but isn't that where we, sons and daughters of God, are? This is not our home...until we are fully restored into our rightful relationship with God nothing will ever feel like home. I want to embrace this truth. I do not want to feel perfectly at home until I am fully restored in Christ. Nashville feels more like home then anywhere else now because I feel I am getting closer to God and living amongst people who are the body of Christ to me...and yet I am not home. So what am I learning while I am away? Well, this past month has been pretty ridiculously overwhelming...in good and bad ways.

Things I am learning in no particular order:

1) God is very loving. He really does care and does demand life for us. He desires to get His hands messy in sanctification with us. He makes us worthy...beautiful...He makes us able to love.

2) I have a choice: I can choose to be in God/life or I can choose to be in Sin/Death. The things I hate...I have the choice to say no to. Simple...hard...but much easier then I originally ever believed.

3) Communication is good and beautiful. I am realizing I bought into a lie that my thoughts/feelings/opinions were not right nor were they safe to share...I forgive myself and others who helped teach this to me and prepare to embark on a new journey. To be known by someone is not to just let them in on your past but to let them in on your present. If something is eating at my mind or I feel a certain way I will no longer hide who I am or how I feel for fear that it will be shut down or rejected or that I will be rejected...I am who I am and I feel how I feel and with the help of God I hope to become more and more like Christ in those aspects...but I want to share who I am with those around me...not keep myself looking good on the outside but something else on the inside.

4) God gives us warning signs for a reason, and it is never okay to ignore them for the sake of your plans. If my car check engine light comes on I will not embark on a trip across the country...so why do I do the same in living terms?

5) I must learn to live for myself...not get ready for life with someone...but just get ready for life for me...for God in my life. I want a family...but as I reminded myself by reminding a friend. God sometimes has bigger plans then our momentary satisfaction of our requests.

6) God is always close...always waiting for me to turn to Him. It is never Him that keeps us apart...its is me...I want to change that and get closer and closer.

7) I need to learn how to interact with the guys around me...not needing affirmation...that was a poor lie that I have allowed myself to remain victimized under...but I do not have to be the victim anymore...and my past should not way lay to my present/future.

8) I am human. I have feelings. I am not perfect...I need to be okay with how I feel sometimes...work them out and give them to God...but it is time to stop being so hard on myself.

9) Seriously, stop being so hard on yourself.

10) I have opened so many doors into my life for Satan to swoop in and destroy...now is the time to start shutting those doors...I like Aslan lions...not devouring Satan lions.

11) I love babies...I want babies.

12) I want to hike the Appalachian Trail so badly and for some reason my heart is longing for it way more. I do not trust that God will open the door for this desire.

13) Never miss an opportunity for God to work in your life. He is always there...and always working in  crazy ways.

14) I love God.

15) I do not have to compare myself with others and consider myself a failure or a winner...I am a Meme. And not meant to be anything but a Meme...well a Natalie I suppose I am meant to be as well.

Renew your mind. Bodies as living sacrifices.
This is real...this is necessary...this is life abundant.

No, life here in Nashville is not all peachy keen. Somedays it sucks...my heart hurts a lot...I struggle with being who I want to be...or even wanting to be who I want to be. But...it is the closest thing to being out in the woods...I can breathe a little better here. And now that I am realizing that I need to be living my life and preparing for my life...with just me in in...just me and God...I feel I am going to be breathing a lot more now.

Things to do:

1) Find a place to live for free/relatively cheap for a month or two...in 18 days...(God, please help provide...really)

2) Find families/mentors.

3) Make 1 or 2 new friends apart from Grace Center/or people connected to everyone I know.

4) Work out more.

5) SPEND TIME WITH GOD WHERE I ALLOW HIM TO SPEAK AND WASH ME.

6) Find new places to explore no one has shown me.

7) Join rock climbing gym.

Well,
     I am very sleepy. And this post was not nearly what I wanted or meant it to sound like...but hi, I am Meme...and these are my thoughts as they pour out of my head. Tomorrow: I need to realize the importance of intimacy with my King. I need Him to be my love.


Good night dear friends.

I am Abraham.

God's love is so very alive and big.
He is beckoning us all the time.
He wants us.
All of us.
He wants our hearts.

I have found Him louder and louder asking for my heart. In all my immaturity I have turned to things in my impatience. A cigarette when I am stressed, a guy's affirmation when I am not feeling pretty enough or when I am longing for a husband but do not have one yet, a run to angry music when I am feeling completely overwhelmed, ice-cream when I am grumpy...the list goes on and on. My heart it wanders...I have never seen it so clearly until now. It's like God is allowing me to take a step outside of myself to see what I am doing. It is so humbling and somewhat painful to see how childish I have been...but God is not yelling at me...He is not angry with me...but He gently asks for my heart. He asks because He loves me. His heart aches for my best...He loves me so much. I cling to the cheap and counterfeit and all He wants is for me to have the best...the real deal. But I, like Abraham, do not have the patience to wait for God's timing to fulfill His promises...I come up with my own schemes to get what God is scheming for me...but my way sucks...it hurts me and it hurts others. God is overwhelming me...stepping closer and closer. When you open the door to God in your life He rushes in...He longs to invade every crevice. He wants everything. When you invite Him in...He comes...and He fills the room with love and grace...and He begins to show you the truth of your deception. What you thought was gold is fools gold. What you thought was a precious jewel is fake...what you have thought was the real deal of life is just a false reality that Satan wants to trap you in. God is freedom...He is life...but you must let Him in...let Him into the places that hurt the worst...He will sweep out the dirt...it will hurt...it will be the most humbling experience...but oh let Him in...He longs to love us and He longs to help us. I am being helped...my heart is hurting...and all the things I thought were helping heal it have been what has kept it from healing.

God reveals our darkness...He reveals our faults...but it is never to just leave us in brokenness...He says: "Come, give your heart to Me...wait, patiently, wait for Me...I am the perfect Father who will not give you a rock when you ask for bread."

If I am unwilling to give up the false/cheap things in my life how can God ever give me the beautiful/genuine thing.

I do not trust. I do not trust God and I am turning every which way looking for His promises...but I am not looking to Him.

Oh, I long to give God my heart...He is so precious and loving. How can I hold myself back from Him? He is the creator of rainy days, trees, clouds, mountains, and the people that I love. I want God to have my heart...I want Him in my heart...I want Him everywhere...OH GOD THAT YOU WOULD COME AND FIGHT FOR MY HEART...I NO LONGER WANT THE THINGS I HAVE RUN TO...THAT I HAVE CLUNG TO. COME AND FIGHT FOR ME...I CANNOT DO THIS ON MY OWN...COME HAVE MY HEART. I BEG OF YOU!!! Come, Daddy...please.

Unicorn Tattoos

"Those to look to Him are radiant, AND THEIR FACES SHALL NEVER BE ASHAMED." - Psalm 34:5.


   How to put into words the last few days is near impossible for me. To feel as if you have died...stayed dead for days and to be resuscitated and literally feeling the life returning to your body...surreal. Have you ever been Lazarus? I have. To be dead and yet God says oh heck no you are going to live again...man. Walking into the light is the one of the scariest things...we talked about the Prodigal Son parable in church on Monday (in church...feels good to say I am back in church)...I have walked as the rebel son on the dirt path back to my home. Feeling lower then the dirt I was treading on...ready to beg my place back as a slave...man, if you have never felt like that I am so glad for you...it is one of the hardest places to walk...in shame. Shame is a heavy dress to wear. Mix that with armor to protect yourself from hurt and you will find that you will feel tired beyond any hope of recovery or refreshment. But God doesn't work with those rules...He is the Father that stands waiting to lavish you with goodness. I have been lavished with love, grace, and kindness since I walked into the light here in Nashville. I was hoping to be tolerated and yet I have been shown true grace. God welcomed me home just ready to honour me...why God choses to honour me is something I will never truly understand...but I am trying to learn to accept it. I feel very raw right now...I want to be something but I am not that something yet. I want to be healed and whole...but I am hurt and lacking...I want to be a million steps ahead and I feel ashamed to be where I am...weak and needy. To be known is a scary thing...and yet to be honoured even in being known. I feel overwhelmed...tired...and helpless. But God has a season and a time for each of His children. Some are off to fight wars for Him, some are to heal the wounded, some are to stay and be quiet with Him...and for others/me...He asks that we be babies. To be someone who will not give anything in return. I have never learned to accept gifts, words, acts, etc without immediately feeling I must return the kindness. Babies...they are pretty selfish. They spit up on you, dirty their diapers, cry, snot on you, they just demand everything and yet have nothing to give in return...except to let you cuddle them...but even that is selfish...but guess what...I work with babies all day and even after all of the work and lack of return...I love them...I love it...I love to love those babies...and guess what??? GOD LOVES TO LOVE ME...US...He loves it. And right now all He wants from me is to be a horrible mess...cause He wants to reteach me life. I learned the wrong way...and the only way I can be reborn into His promise is to become a baby again. I am sorry if the next few months of my life I am not good at giving...but God is asking me to learn how to receive...and I have received the biggest and most undeserved welcome to my new place in life. But I am still in a it's all about me stage...and am learning that being in that stage may be completely allowed. Sometimes your life just changed forever. I miss my friends...I feel naked and venerable...so I will lie crying in God's arms...He's got the biggest and best rocking chair to hold you in! So yeah...let God in...step into the light...claim what you deserve and stop living the lie that you cannot have good...that's what I am working on...to be loved.

Darkness is so huge.

Death = Sin
Life = Jesus

If you only take from me this one small thing. Take this: take that sin is nothing to reckon with. It will steal every ounce of beauty, joy, peace, patience...and it will never leave you. It sits at your door like my roommates cat who is just waiting to dart into your room if you open the door just even a crack. When we are told to flee sin it was never just a suggestion or a mild command. When we were told to flee it was Jesus screaming to run from death. And yet, we...I...fail to see it as it truly is. It is a gunman, knifeman, arsonist, rapist, molester, etc standing right behind you...to murder you...to destroy the very ounce of life abundantly that God has promised us. It is there to kill you. If there was someone with a gun standing behind you and someone told you to flee from them you would never even for a second consider sticking around. I/We though, we turn and embrace sin...we love it as a friend, lover, protector, encourager...I have never until now understood the full magnitude of what sin is...in all its darkness and twisted systems...it is the most selfish and destructive thing. It is like taking acid and throwing it on your body. It is taking a knife and ripping to shreds the painting you just completed that was the most beautiful picture that was worth thousands of dollars that will bring income in to feed your family. It is death...it kills. I just want to get that into my head and to get that into the people around me. I have been so blind to the truth of God's word. I have been so ignorant. I have been deceived. And the worst part is that I let myself be deceived. I feel in love with the one thing that could rip my life apart and destroy. I not only welcomed that into my home...but the most twisted part of it all is that I got my home ready for it. Death it always steal your life if you let it...it knows no bounds, it knows no love, it knows no mercy. Death will always rob you of everything and anything no matter what. No matter how much you desire to be good, no matter how hard you want to change, no matter what the costs...death knows no consideration. It does not allow you to step forward without encroaching on your space. It only finds pleasure in aiding you in destroying everything that is good and wonderful and that is the true desire of God's heart to give you...and then it does not stay with you...it immediately leaves you. It does not care if you are hurting and naked and starving...it does not care if you have nothing anymore...it will not replace the good with bad...it just steals the good and leaves.

I realize the heaviness and somewhat morbidness of this post: but that's the point I want to understand. I do not know what it will take to get this fact into my head that it will stay and change my life...I want others to understand this. This is reality. This is truth. That sin is death that will destroy all things living and wonderful in your life if you allow it. And the only thing that can stop it is Jesus. It is the only thing. All the world of hoping in yourself, in others, in finding something better to cling to...and no matter how much you desire to be good and to leave death behind...it is only Jesus who can protect you...and you can not stray from Him at all. When you are with Jesus you are safe...you are protected...but if you leave the grasp of God...if you stray but a little...you are given a choice...given a command...but a choice to decide to follow or not.

I've never known the true depravity of sin...that instead of the roots of Jesus bringing life...and the most wonderful life ever...the weeds of death come and choke and destroy.

This is not a game...this is a war...where people get killed and maimed and there are traitors...this is war. This is life or death. There is no right or wrong...there is only life or death.


Bless the Lord for The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis...God will not give up and He can and will bring back to life the dead. This is a war that will end. I will be on the winning side. But I do not want to be the lucky one brought back to life but refuse to breath again. I want to breath. I want to have God...I am scared cause I do not always choose life. I do not always choose God...but I have never been more confident in that He alone can save me...and if I gain nothing but God and lose all else either because of my own actions or the cost of discipleship...then I will have gained everything.

You see sin has one weakness. It can kill and destroy and ruin and take away...it can take all life from you...but what it cannot do is take Jesus away from you...and if my sin causes all else to be destroyed I still yet have hope...because God cannot be destroyed. Relationships can be destroyed, lives can be destroyed, families, finances,  etc...but God...He cannot. So no matter what sin/death cannot take God. And that is what I must rest in...please remain...please.

Foggy

I think I need to find myself on top of a mountain again. I would give anything to be on top of a mountain hearing the beautiful whisper of the Lord. …One time my friend and I followed this boy all the way across campus because his cologne smelled so good…creepy I know. I wish I pursued God like that…I hate that the longer you are around a certain smell you become so used to it that you don’t smell it anymore…I don’t want to become comfortable or used to my time with God that I forget to really be with Him.

I feel so inadequate right now…in just about everything. I’m not in the most enjoyable place in my life…in fact it sucks a lot…but God tells me to wait patiently…He tells me that I am to hope in the unseen…I am told that hope does not disappoint…He tells me to rejoice in Him.

So here it is…I have God. (Romans 8/Psalms 27:13-14). This is what I have. I may have a list of things that are weighing down on me, making me angry, or what not…I may not have tickets to go to Europe with three of the coolest freaking people ever…amount other things right now that I do not have…but what I do have is God. And He is more than enough…and for some time now He has been trying to show me that…and now things are being stripped away…He isn’t leaving me without the promise of good, but He is showing me what is best…which is Him. Psalm 9:7-12. He is my stronghold. I am claiming weakness and I am claiming brokenness…but I am claiming this because God can teach me now. I will not sugarcoat the valley I am in…but I will learn that God is enough for me if it kills me. I am tired…but more so from fighting then from the circumstances I find myself in. So I am off to find rest…and an easier yoke.

Conversations.

It’s like swimming when you can’t swim. You keep flailing around and sputtering. Coughing up water that you continually keep breathing in and flopping around wildly. Then God walks over and say, “Hey, are you tired yet? Or do you want to keep this up?” And instead of answering Him you keep on keeping on…getting nowhere while getting more and more exhausted. Then God comes back over and says, “You want to learn how to swim? There is an easier way to do all of this.” But you keep doing it your own way as it slowly kills you. You begin to go under as you thrash about crazily trying to grab onto something…anything and everything. God walks back over and yells, “STOP IT! LOOK AT ME!!!” You stop flailing and realize that you are in shallow water and can stand…and then God teaches you how to swim.

Gosh, I want God so bad. I want His help. I have tasted His freedom and His desire for us, but I feel so out of reach. Man, okay it’s like climbing a route on the rock wall and you keep reaching for the next hold but you just cannot reach it. I keep trying over and over but now my arms pumped out and I am exhausted. The thing is I know it is just a matter of taking a step back and resting and then trying it a different angle. My favourite feeling when climbing is when I discover that if I just shift my weight or twist my body I can finally reach that next hold that I thought was impossible to get. I feel like God is just longing to twist me and balance me. I want that. I want that so bad. I am discouraged to see how much I need to be helped in…but when you think about it…it makes sense. We live in a fallen sinful world…we are surrounded by fallen sinful people influencing us…and then worst of all we have ourselves lying and harming ourselves. There is a lot of straightening out to be done. I am ready for the fire to be refined. But I am scared. I don’t like what I see in my own weaknesses. I want to be strong and proud. But God wants me to be a child and humble.

Like Aslan God is good…but He doesn’t always feel safe…but He is the safest place to me…so if you are looking for me these days…I may not be found. I am hiding away in God and reading Narnia books…Safe and terrified.

I am finding it hard to be able to honestly say that I am asking for God…without inadvertently asking for something else along with it. God is jealous…He wants me…and will not bribe me to Him. He is going to claim me for Himself. Not claim me for someone else or something else. This is a hard thing to realize for me…but I don’t know God very well. He is something distant that loves me but that is something that seems to me as pain. God is painful…that is how I have known Him. I feel He is becoming the most beautiful lover that is not going to be willing to put up with me being in love with anyone but Him. It is like watching someone you love flirt with other people…it’s like a knife in your heart. Is that how God feels about us?

I am afraid, I think, to come back to an emotional relationship with God. It is easy when its facts…all relationships are easy when at a distance. For me the moment it becomes real…I get scared. There is too much to lose I think. I am afraid of losing things with God. I am afraid that what I am chasing after is not real…I am just afraid. I feel more vulnerable and fragile than ever. How did this happen? But I guess it’s a good thing. He says He is close…I know it’s true…but it is scary man!