I learned something tonight.
I've never once told the people who directly have hurt me the truth about how I really feel...
I cannot think of one time that I have been hurt by family, friends, boyfriends etc and actually told them exactly how I was hurt and how I was feeling.
I've always been really good at letter writing and fake conversations (neither of which are good at actually dealing with or expressing hurt fully or at all) or months after the fact trying to back track my feelings and only get jumbled bits and pieces of the story out.
I don't know why I can't express myself to those who hurt me...
I have some ideas of where the roots are from but that's not important for this blog. What is important is that the damage this has done in my life is enormous.
I have taught myself and been taught my others that my feelings are stupid or invalid...I mean what's the point of telling someone how or why they have hurt you...it's a thing of the past right? How can you move on if you bring up what cannot be changed???
Well I will tell you...
Not being honest when you've been hurt does several things:
1) destroys relationships between you and the person who hurt you. If you never tell the truth then your feelings will never be validated and resolved...you can move on but the sting of hurt that was never addressed will lay buried...but still lives on. There will be something in between you...now God can remove it and bring healing which I've seen in my own life but its a long and painful journey.
2) you will continue to pile more and more pain in your heart and mind and never feel that it has been recognized and dealt with. You will always be hurting and always want people to know your hurt...but if you never tell the person at the root of your pain you're using a bandaid for a gash that needs a 100 stitches. You will be too afraid of letting go of your pain because that means yet again your pain is unnoticed or only partly addressed...it's very hard to find joy and hold on to it when you're holding onto pain.
3) it will make you feel like you are broken and messed up because you will keep having “conversations" that are only half the truth...you will keep feeling that the issue is unresolved and therefore something else is needing to be said
This starts the cycle all over again...
And I'm so incredibly tired of this cycle in my life.
I'm tired of feeling hurt, angry, devoid of joy, and broken.
I want good relationships around me with friends and family and I hope one day to have a really great marriage and be a counselor...
I have to stop my cycle of pain and anger and I have to start being honest. Really...even when it's just me saying I'm hurt just so that the other person knows they hurt me.
I'm sorry in advance friends and family. Please pray for me and bare with me as I step out into being honest. I need this...more than I can express...
Please be praying. Thanks!
