I am currently sitting in my car...just doing some light blogging...one of the many moments of being house less. Going to Kroger to use the bathroom and napping in my car are not so uncommon things in my life lately...ill admit I'm very tired.
But guys here is where it's at: I am a grumbling Israelite. It's crazy to look at the Old Testament passages about how God saved His people from captivity and abuse to bring them to the promise land...it's crazy because our stories are seemingly identical. The death and pain and abuse that I have just been drawn out of is staggering. I am now in a place of being led to the promise land but am having to journey there some now. I don't have a place to live but over the last four months I have never had to really worry. I have been provided a place to live and now a place to store all of my belongings that have just arrived. Within days of needing something I have been given what I need just as the Israelites where given manna from heaven...an yet I am complaining just like the Israelites...I have even caught myself saying I want to back...just like the Israelites...but man I don't want to be an Israelite made to wander forty years...and I don't want to doubt God that the promises land is unattainable.
But what is the promised land?! I think I need a major shift in thought...ill be honest my promised land has always been getting married...I think that the promised land I really being healthy joyful and truly in relationship with my Daddy.
Yes my life is much like the Israelites...I am very loved by God.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Falling in love and Babies
I have been thinking a bunch about what falling in love is all about. I don't mean just the kind of falling in love that you normally think about like the falling in love when you meet the dopest kinda guy...I mean all kinds of falling in love. Like these kinds of falling in love:
1) Working with the most adorable babies that scream and puke and poop and pee on you...then smile so big that it brings tears to your eyes. How do you fall in love when they are not your babies and they will only sleep when they are in your arms? How do you fall in love when every ounce of sanity has left you because you are stuck in a small room with four babies hating you cause they all want to be held, fed, and told they are loved all at the same time?
2) Having the best family ever! How do you fall in love with your family when everyone is so busy and you always forget to call them...I hate that. I hate that falling in love with my family is not more of a priority. I am learning how to fall in love with my parents as friends...but still knowing I need them cause I will always be their little girl who is so hopelessly in need of their help and advice. And I have the coolest brothers that I really wish I saw/talked to more...I want to fall in love with them more and my awesome sister in law even though she has a cat ;)
3) Friends...old friends and new friends. The kind of friends who even though you break their heart will always come to be by your side when you need to escape the worlds most painful moments. I want to fall in love with the friends I never see anymore...I am horrible at keeping up with people who are not in my everyday life...but I want to be better...I want to fall in love with new friends and go through the hard stuff...I want to love my friends better...they deserve it cause they are wonderful...I could shout out to a few but I am blessed with too many...but very much to the friends who went through the darkest times with me and yet still stand by my side in love even when I do not return that love the same. I want to fall in love with my friends better.
4) Falling in love with the guys around my as my friends and brothers. I am not good at that. I am not good and honouring and respecting the guys around me...I want to fall in love with them the right way. I do not need to need their approval. I always wanted to be liked...to be known to be the cool girl that people should want to date. I was never the girl that the guys wanted to date so I always worked hard at getting attention...I want that to stop. I want to love the guys around me in not needing them...not using them. I am sorry dear friends...
5) What does falling in love with a man look like...the kind that you know you can go through all of life's adventures together and come out stronger each year...the kind that you want to foster kids with because you know they are going to love and help bring healing to the broken...the kind who is beyond your understanding...what does respecting and honouring the man you romantically fall in love with...when can you fall in love? What does this kind of love falling look like? How do you act around the other guys in your life? I do not know what romantic falling in love looks like...
6) Most importantly what does falling in love with God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit look like? Because truly this is where it all begins...and where it all ends...sometimes always I get too caught up in what the other falling in loves look like that I put falling in love with God on the shelf...but really this is the key...so how do I fall in love with God? Is my focus to be less on whether I am doing it right or wrong...and just do it?
I mean in all the categories listed...can you fall in love if you are always thinking and evaluating yourself? Should your efforts go to falling in love instead of did you do it right today or not...I mean or maybe it should be about how you do it...I want to love well.
I am not good at it yet...as my friend and I talked about tonight...falling in love is going to be a never ending lesson. I just want to start at the beginning...God...He loves well. I know that He can teach me best...
Falling in love...with/and babies....
It is a hard and scary thing...
To be in love will be a big adventure.
I want to fall harder...
With wisdom...
God perhaps is the only one who can show me how to fall in love...does it start with just spending more time with the creator and perfecter of love?
3:14am and Bon Iver: tired eyes and a mountain of kleenex from allergies: ...and this is where I am...
I WANT TO LOVE GOD.
MY FAMILY
MY FRIENDS/GUYS
MY BABIES (mine or not)
MY LOVE (I gotta get the rest down first before I can love you the right way whoever you are!!!)
Does one fall in love with themselves?... as my friends say "We are awesome"
I love you. All of you. Despite my failure of displaying or even acknowledging my love...I do. And I am trying to learn how to fall in love with you all more.
1) Working with the most adorable babies that scream and puke and poop and pee on you...then smile so big that it brings tears to your eyes. How do you fall in love when they are not your babies and they will only sleep when they are in your arms? How do you fall in love when every ounce of sanity has left you because you are stuck in a small room with four babies hating you cause they all want to be held, fed, and told they are loved all at the same time?
2) Having the best family ever! How do you fall in love with your family when everyone is so busy and you always forget to call them...I hate that. I hate that falling in love with my family is not more of a priority. I am learning how to fall in love with my parents as friends...but still knowing I need them cause I will always be their little girl who is so hopelessly in need of their help and advice. And I have the coolest brothers that I really wish I saw/talked to more...I want to fall in love with them more and my awesome sister in law even though she has a cat ;)
3) Friends...old friends and new friends. The kind of friends who even though you break their heart will always come to be by your side when you need to escape the worlds most painful moments. I want to fall in love with the friends I never see anymore...I am horrible at keeping up with people who are not in my everyday life...but I want to be better...I want to fall in love with new friends and go through the hard stuff...I want to love my friends better...they deserve it cause they are wonderful...I could shout out to a few but I am blessed with too many...but very much to the friends who went through the darkest times with me and yet still stand by my side in love even when I do not return that love the same. I want to fall in love with my friends better.
4) Falling in love with the guys around my as my friends and brothers. I am not good at that. I am not good and honouring and respecting the guys around me...I want to fall in love with them the right way. I do not need to need their approval. I always wanted to be liked...to be known to be the cool girl that people should want to date. I was never the girl that the guys wanted to date so I always worked hard at getting attention...I want that to stop. I want to love the guys around me in not needing them...not using them. I am sorry dear friends...
5) What does falling in love with a man look like...the kind that you know you can go through all of life's adventures together and come out stronger each year...the kind that you want to foster kids with because you know they are going to love and help bring healing to the broken...the kind who is beyond your understanding...what does respecting and honouring the man you romantically fall in love with...when can you fall in love? What does this kind of love falling look like? How do you act around the other guys in your life? I do not know what romantic falling in love looks like...
6) Most importantly what does falling in love with God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit look like? Because truly this is where it all begins...and where it all ends...sometimes always I get too caught up in what the other falling in loves look like that I put falling in love with God on the shelf...but really this is the key...so how do I fall in love with God? Is my focus to be less on whether I am doing it right or wrong...and just do it?
I mean in all the categories listed...can you fall in love if you are always thinking and evaluating yourself? Should your efforts go to falling in love instead of did you do it right today or not...I mean or maybe it should be about how you do it...I want to love well.
I am not good at it yet...as my friend and I talked about tonight...falling in love is going to be a never ending lesson. I just want to start at the beginning...God...He loves well. I know that He can teach me best...
Falling in love...with/and babies....
It is a hard and scary thing...
To be in love will be a big adventure.
I want to fall harder...
With wisdom...
God perhaps is the only one who can show me how to fall in love...does it start with just spending more time with the creator and perfecter of love?
3:14am and Bon Iver: tired eyes and a mountain of kleenex from allergies: ...and this is where I am...
I WANT TO LOVE GOD.
MY FAMILY
MY FRIENDS/GUYS
MY BABIES (mine or not)
MY LOVE (I gotta get the rest down first before I can love you the right way whoever you are!!!)
Does one fall in love with themselves?... as my friends say "We are awesome"
I love you. All of you. Despite my failure of displaying or even acknowledging my love...I do. And I am trying to learn how to fall in love with you all more.
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