Narnia

Fortress. That word makes me think of an island with a stone castle surrounded by breaking waves crashing on sharp rocks. It is dark and cold, it means some serious business. And that is God for me right now, my fortress. It’s just that my heart a bit like glass that is cracking. I am overwhelmed by how much I love my friends, old and new. It’s just that I keep saying goodbye to three of my most beloved friends. It’s like finding people that you just get and they get you and they share in Christ’s love with you big time, but you keep leaving them behind…and then going to work.

But here is the thing that is really important to realize. These people are my roots. But they are not my rain (God), my sun (Jesus), and my dirt (the Holy Spirit). They are not my fortress; they are the people inside the fortress with me.

I am airing on the border of feeling like I need to be reminded that God is behind it all. God was the one to make these people, put them into my life, and perhaps is bringing us to a point where we don’t have to keep saying goodbye. But it is God doing it! He is the one that I should be running to and remaining strong in. I do not want to make people my fortress. People are frail, they are hurting, they are searching, and they cannot be what I want them to be. They will forget me, they will move, they will date/marry, they will get irritated with me, they will be human. God is not human. He is God. He will never forget, move, become more attached to someone else, get annoyed, etc. I want to bask in God with my Family, not bask in my Family with God.

Perhaps. I am a cynic tonight. Tired and feeling a bit too broken from separation. Perhaps this is not bad, and does not mean that I am too attached to people than God.

I admit I do not know what sadness looks like in being kept by God. I am no less held then last week, but I am not allowing the arms around me to be enough.

I think I just realized that when we cling to something other than God we remain stranded while a great wave rushes past, but when you cling to God you realize that God is the wave and you’re in for the ride of your life.

When you cling to God, the wave, will take you to the best of lands. He takes you exactly where you are supposed to be. It beats clinging to the wrong pier that keeps you grounded and missing out on the best adventures of life!

I don’t know about you but I am about to cling to some serious God and ride the best wave ever…come get swept away with me, yeah?!

Construction

In Harry Potter there is a scene in which a house is run down with there is glass and broken furniture everywhere…and then the house is magically restored and you see all the pieces of glass reconnect and the furniture is put back together. The house goes from dark and gloomy and chaotic, to warm, beautiful and bright.

I feel that was my last night. I saw all these small lessons and steps that I have taken and that God has brought about in my life over the last 6 months all come together in this beautiful story. From learning to have to communicate and be honest, to realizing that I need to slow down enough to know when I am supposed to be somewhere and not to be everywhere.

In humourous ways God has been moving to. Bringing my relationship with a dear friend whom I have been disagreeing with everything for the last year back together based off of agreeing on the goodness of two friends (Timbre and Mason) whom my friend has never actually met. I know that doesn’t make sense but trust me on this on God is crazy wicked beautiful!

I have been feeling super held. And have been called to stand up, to speak when I do not like speaking, to be honest when it is the scariest thing in the world to me. God is calling me to be big, but I feel so small. And He is calling me to step forward.

You know how in plays there are the actors and then there are the stage hands. I like being a stage hand. You are behind the curtain, dressed in black and only stop on the stage when the lights are out to arrange the scenery. I feel like God is making me dress up and walk to the front of the stage in front of a huge audience and becoming a key member in His play. I would say I am angry at God but all I can do is laugh. He is providing me lines, awesome supporting characters, memory, calmness, etc. I am not a puppet mind you, but an active and willing participant. Although I must admit I do not remember ever auditioning for this!

I guess what I am learning is be careful when you pray…because God hears…and moves. HAHAH and it is incredible!

I am dancing with God right now. He is showing me how to hold my body up, extend my arms, tilt my head, move my feet, and count the music. It is really awesome to dance with God.

It’s really cool too because my goal in previous weeks was to dance with God.

My heart, mind, and soul are really confused right now, because the truth is I want to run so far away from what is happening and what I am being told to stand up and do. It is uncomfortable, tiring, strange, and overwhelming, but the funny thing is every fiber of my being, everything about who I am and how I have been made is so drawn to step up, step forward, and walk right into the thick of war. I am confusingly convinced that that war is the only place that I can be to find peace and knowledge.

I am rather excited, I feel like a Hobbit leaving the Shire. Scared, clueless, but bold and determined. No one ever wants to leave the Shire, but I like Bilbo and Frodo…seem to have an itching for something more.

Never has the passage concerning putting on the armour of God been so real, and so urgent.

Oh, well that was easy.

God is so wonderfully awesome and beautiful and deserves more praise than I will ever know to give or will give.

Life has been quite crazy. Thanksgiving happened and time with family was great but a lot of tough stuff was talked through and will leave me processing for quite sometime. I have been in this place where my heart has been torn between two places. Lynchburg and Nashville...and now I have come to this place where my heart may break regardless of which route I choose. Saying goodbye is never easy.

I feel Nashville will be a place of extreme growth, healing, and joy. Lynchburg is a place of challenges and hard work....this is not bad by any means. I love Lynchburg and all the people here and all the things God is doing and wants to do.

Nashville would be a tremendous blessing, a gift if you will....a rest. Not that Nashville will not have its challenges and it too will be hard work but I think in a much different way. Nashville has already proven to be hard work in that there have been and will be many tough conversations to be had. Lynchburg...it is not always easy to be here...but God is faithful and will be faithful always. He is moving in huge ways but it feels very hard everyday to be a part of it.

Do I chose rest or work? Work or play? Neither will be a bad place to choose, both will be good.

Is there a good, and a better? I believe there is. I believe to stay in Lynchburg would be good. But I believe also that to move to Nashville for a period of a year at least will be best.

I have a year to figure this out...please pray for me.

Things have been hard, but I learned tonight what is easy:

Being filled with God! The last few days have been super tough for me with conversations that were full of pain and honesty, and I have been wrestling through the process of moving or staying. I have felt so overwhelmed and sad, truly sad, for the first time in quite a while.

Tonight I left to go for a road trip to Roanoke. Just me, God, and prayer. I left feeling so broken and then I just prayed. I just asked God to fill me. Plain, simple, honest. I asked God to show Himself as real. Nothing has changed. I am still faced with a decision. I am still faced with living in a world that is full of shit because it is full of darkness. But here I stand. Alive, full of abundant life, why? Because God is Savior, King, Father, Lover, Friend, and so faithful to His promise of love.

I am loved. WE are loved.

I have been close with God recently in a way I have never been, but I was not giving Him the chance to fill me and was slipping away from Him. He went no where but closer to me...I am learning how quickly life goes crazy when I am not running to God.

Thankfully I do not have to be an elite athlete to catch God...just a slow, stumbling, asthmatic jogger. He just calls us to run with endurance...and He sustains.

P.S. Status is currently 95% or higher in definitely moving to Nashville.

Clenched Fists

I don’t want to be where I am. I want to be buying a bus ticket to Nashville and getting on the bus in 6 hours. I want to be going to see Timbre and Mason and Patrick…I want to be hiking, hiking the Appalachian Trail. I want to be going to ministry school. I want to be healed. I want love. I know God hears my wants, but here is the thing. The thing is God is here in my now. He is here with me in my stupid dark cubicle in my office that has no windows to even see the wonderful day outside. He’s here with my headache and my stomachache and He is certainly here in my heartache.

God isn’t a cruel god who allows us to have wants that will never be met.

There is something really awesome, calming, and encouraging when you realize that God is here. Today as I tried to take a nap on a cement bench outside of work angry and feeling down, these two boys came past and made fun of me for my bench napping…I snapped inside and as I was about to throw a stupid two year old tantrum. At that moment God so very awesomely took a hold of me in this embracing hug of awesomeness. I melted. It didn’t make the ache go away….but it makes being where I am perfect.

God wants me to stay still. To just walk right next to Him and stop trying to run ahead.

I had a friend pray for me last night. He prayed I would stay put with God and not run ahead so God doesn’t have to leash me. The best part about all that is the fact that as a kid my parents had to leash me because I had a tendency to wander off.

God has really awesome things for my future…I am so sure, but I must be willing to be like an obedient dog. Healing to its master’s side. Like a husky with cool eyes.

I am very grateful to realize that God is so very real and here. Here…I am praying we would all feel Him…here.

My outside comforts and joys are fragile, but I have been given roots and bark of the toughest tree ever. I can withstand any storm…and I think they are coming, but that is okay.

Really Random Thoughts

God is very timely.

The body of God is very effective.

Unicorn books and ribbons make for an excellent present from God through new friends.

When did I stop learning to receive gifts from God and others without feeling that I intern must give back. Do I need to learn to receive? That thought makes me think of the book the Giver, which is a beautiful book if you haven’t read it.

God is so soft and warm, like my Uggs, but God is beautiful and my Uggs are not. But like my Uggs I want to have God on me, in me, and flowing through me always…even when other people don’t like it.

God is doing big things and in those big things I am growing smaller and smaller and my wisdom dull. God does that, but the only reason I am smaller and less wise is the world is getting bigger. I like the boy in The Giver can now see colour and feel…like really feel. God is opening my eyes and filling my life with new air and new fragrances.

My challenge? To let God heal me.
My dilemma? Ministry school in Lynchburg or in Nashville.
My resolve? Dance with God this week.
My heartache? I miss church and being involved in a diverse family of God.

I am just really grateful to be a part of things God is doing and really excited to see what happens from here! I for one hope the AT happens from here. Just walking, reading, praying, and loving people. Mmmmhhhmmm!

Back to my cubicle now…and that is okay .

Stop. Go. 500.

Okay...stop.

30 And He said, “How shall we [h]picture the kingdom of God, or by what parable shall we present it? 31 It is like a mustard seed, which, when sown upon the soil, though it is smaller than all the seeds that are upon the soil,32 yet when it is sown, it grows up and becomes larger than all the garden plants and forms large branches; so that THE BIRDS OF THE [i]AIR can NEST UNDER ITS SHADE.” -Mark 4

I was feeling defeated by how willing my spirit was but how weak my flesh is. That God could not work or do anything in me cause I fail at asking Him to.

I felt that I could not be used to speak words of wisdom or pray for things deeply hidden in people.

I have been discouraged and then boom, God just drop kicks my ideals out of this world. Proverbs 16 is all about how man makes plans but God is the ultimate authority and master. Well thank goodness at this.

Tonight I had a dinner that in all terms of sanity and awareness should not have happened, but God loves us so much. He makes some to listen and some to speak. He desires to make all full of Him and full of love and service to others. All it takes is a humble heart and eyes that are aware of our blindness.

I failed at my fasting today afraid that I cannot be used by God. Today He reminds me that I am to be His. To rest in being His daughter and in that I cannot screw up anything (sound familiar? yeah so some awesome friends prayed for and reminded me of this truth not so long ago). Haha, God...He is so close. I can almost see His smile.

Today's lesson: I can only go so far, and there is a difference between transparency and honesty.

God does not leave us when He calls us.

I want to go to the people I love...but God is reminding me gently and patiently everyday that He wants to move in Lynchburg...that people are ready now here and I must be faithful.

It has been a day full of tears, awkward conversations, wonderful conversations, prayer, lovely surprise calls, humility, truth, and being called out. God is big, I have a feeling I will need a lot of sleep and rest in this next season of life to keep up with it all.

3 on 4...Go.

500 is possible with God.

Tree Roots

Mhhh…I want the gift of the Spirit to flow in and out of me. But today I happened upon a very humbling thought. I am not faithful in what I have already been given. I have been given a mission. To pray. To cry out to the Lord for the loved ones around me and to pray for myself and be faithful in His word. I am already skipping steps to ask for the ability to pray for others and be led to speak words into their lives based off of the Spirit moving in me. This is not a bad thing to ask for prayer for, but I know many things to already pray for and that I am called to be spending time in the Word. I want to be faithful with what I have been provided and called to before I jump ahead and ask for something more. I am a small child. I’d like to become a wise old woman of God. But I must be content and steadfast now…or perhaps I am placing God in another box. I do not know…and I like not knowing cause I think God laughs at me and gets excited to surprise me! God is both my adoring Father who seeks to lavish gifts on me and my Lover who wants to surprise me with a boutique of wild flowers.

God is many things…I would like to find out who He is and experience Him in all ways!

Fasting...Food...Freedom

Once upon a time I decided to fast from buying food for a month. I wish with all my might I had not stopped. Here are a couple of really cools things that I learned and would like to really actually place into disciplined ways of living:

1) I can live with much less than I thought. In that I had so much more than I thought I had where I never felt I went lacking or hungry. My parents just always have had tons of food in our home. I have never really ever learned to limit myself with how much I have as far as food is concerned.

2) Much of what I did have was junk food, which serves as a reminder that I need to be more mindful to just buy the bare minimum on one hand and on the other hand buy only foods that are nourishing to the body, mind, and soul. [With the understanding that sometimes icecream is a needed girl night essential J]

3) I spend a staggering amount of money eating out to buy drinks, or spin dip, etc. I need to learn to be more conscious of how many nights I enjoy out buying food with friends.

4) When providing food for people whether it be friends or a treasured soul who is homeless, I need to be more mindful of what it means to nourish people. Not just buying some McDonalds and dropping it off, because man when I kept getting donuts and bread while buying food fasting all I wanted was my friend Timbre’s brussell sprouts. People have deeper wounds, needs, and hunger to fill then a cheeseburger. They need broccoli, a hug, a conversation, and steak. Perhaps my lesson is to ask people what they want/need.

5) I really do not need to eat as much as I need to survive and thrive…I think that is a good thing to realize and learn. To nourish yourself but not over-indulge.

6) Be humble to ask.

7) Be very willing to give.

8) It feels really satisfying to save so much money and yet still be provided for and to learn to not live within my means but below them.

I was reading a newspaper article about the connect between the wealthy and the poor, and I got so angry. We do people live by or above their means when there are people who are in need or just better things then money…and then I realize. I don’t make a lot of money but I make enough and I have been living close to and even at times above my means and here I am shaking my fist at injustice and waste. I hate realizing how much I am a hypocrite…but am thankful that I get to learn that I am. I now hate going out to eat…I still do it cause it’s how I bond with my friends…but I am beginning to feel my life is going to be changing very radically…for the better…but change for the long haul of life. If only I could just go live in the woods. HMMM…

Uggs

Have you ever walked a dirt path through the woods and everything felt real and alive and you felt so small but so loved and safe? I always thought I could only ever feel that way on a literal dirt path in the woods, but God is teaching me that I can feel that way even in my cubicle. How you ask? Being just being with Him. Talking with Him. Praying. And the Appalachian Trail calendar certainly helps as well ;) Being filled. I am a new creation and I have been given the promise of an abundant life. Plain, simple, and more beautiful than the most sparkly unicorn ever!

It’s just that I have spent my whole life grumpy…and frustrated cause I keep feeling like I will never catch my break. I will never get out of debt, I will never get married, I will never get out on the Appalachian Trail, I will never____...I feel this sense of entitlement for my lucky break in this world. But what the heck does a lucky break in this world look like? Money is fleeting, marriage isn’t always easy nor will it fix anything, the AT will probably be the death of me, etc. There will always be another wave, another storm, another disappointment. So as I kyaked in a manmade pond two Sunday’s ago. I realized…God is not unfair in not giving me the things I want. He has given me the one thing that I need the ability to have an abundant life. God has promised me one thing, abundant free life in Him. What more could I ask for?!

I cannot be grumpy when I realize that I have the ability for the most beautiful life ever! And yet, I am so afraid. I find myself as a small child hiding in the corner crying as if a huge spider/clown were coming at me. Why? Because I am afraid that God will take everything wonderful and good that I have in community and in my sanity and drop it and let it shatter. As if God is someone who gathers you up in His hands and warms you and gives you lavished gifts just to throw you out into the snow, naked and alone. Perhaps my new journey is to discover why I feel this way about God…what lies have I allowed myself to believe and live in that have let me to believe that God does not want me to be loved and safe in His arms…in His community. We are not supposed to live in fear…but here I am…so pray for me cause I would rather bask in my Father’s arms then try to find safety holds for if He decides to drop me.

Oh, just because…God is so loving because I have the most amazing and awesome friends anyone could ever ask for…and to be honest I can’t keep from smiling when I think of them but crying when I think of the ones that are not here. Bah…missing people is hard. I love God for making and blessing me with such beautiful sisters and brothers to miss though ;)!

“A friend loves at all times…” Proverbs 17:17a This is a hard thing, but what better thing to have to learn to be able to do???