I have been thinking a ton about being alone…why is it so painful?
I feel like I am changing into someone I do not like in my loneliness. I want to simple feel alive. I suppose I am realizing that I do not feel alive when I am alone…
Human interaction is beautiful and so essential to our lives.
I feel like my relationships are so shallow and surface level at the moment from only floating in and out of the lives of the people I work with…I am realizing how much I crave to have a deep connection with someone…and that being the person I want to combine lives with.
Because in my loneliness I have become somewhat more of a cynic toward relationships. They seem messy and they seem overwhelming to me. How do you tell someone you are not interested? Can you continue a beautiful and meaningful relationship with someone who it will never work to be together?
Are we all just grasping for something and someone…I mean what draws us to other people…why in my loneliest time of my life do I find myself being drawn to flirt more than ever before?
And how far do you stray away from close relationships with someone of the opposite sex to whom you know it will not lead you down the road of a happy ending…doesn't someone always get hurt…isn't that why relationships are so messy?
I keep finding myself thinking that I am being absolutely absurd in what I want in someone to date and figure out life together…I keep realizing that maybe what I want doesn't exist or maybe I do not know what I want…
And so why am I so pulled to draw attention to myself if the one thing I want to do is figure myself out before I drag someone else into it?
I do not think that your life begins or ends with anyone else…I think it is just a journey you are on by yourself and someone else comes in with their journey and you walk together and then when your journey together ends then you keep on journeying.
I want someone to walk in stride with me…like hiking the AT. I don't want to have to try to drag someone along or worry about wether they really want to go or if they are going to want to hang in town all the time…I want to walk…and whoever ends up walking next to me…well it's because they are walking along the same pace.
But what happens when we meet people walking different paces…
And my question is…who is responsible for the pain that happens with relationships when they do not work the way we want…
I have been told I over communicate about where I am in life or why I won't date someone…but I can't help it…I just feel the overwhelming need to be honest and open…and to gain from the relationships in front of me and around me. Mystery doesn't help anyone…but I suppose what I am wondering is does honesty make continuing to poor into people around you a good thing.
If I tell a guy that I am not interested but hang out and talk with them all the time…has my honesty made that relationship healthy?
I just feel an overwhelming weight in the responsibility in how my relationships with other people have the most terrifying possibilities.
I feel like I am supposed to know how to perfectly deal with a relationship in which my actions control the other person's reaction to the situation.
I try to walk so delicately because i don't think we realize how much our actions and words impact others…
But I can't seem to get it right and I am terrified of getting hurt but mostly I am scared out of my mind to hurt or cause damage to someone else.
I wish people thought more…and that I wouldn't keep accidentally sleeping through church.
The End.
