"Those to look to Him are radiant, AND THEIR FACES SHALL NEVER BE ASHAMED." - Psalm 34:5.
How to put into words the last few days is near impossible for me. To feel as if you have died...stayed dead for days and to be resuscitated and literally feeling the life returning to your body...surreal. Have you ever been Lazarus? I have. To be dead and yet God says oh heck no you are going to live again...man. Walking into the light is the one of the scariest things...we talked about the Prodigal Son parable in church on Monday (in church...feels good to say I am back in church)...I have walked as the rebel son on the dirt path back to my home. Feeling lower then the dirt I was treading on...ready to beg my place back as a slave...man, if you have never felt like that I am so glad for you...it is one of the hardest places to walk...in shame. Shame is a heavy dress to wear. Mix that with armor to protect yourself from hurt and you will find that you will feel tired beyond any hope of recovery or refreshment. But God doesn't work with those rules...He is the Father that stands waiting to lavish you with goodness. I have been lavished with love, grace, and kindness since I walked into the light here in Nashville. I was hoping to be tolerated and yet I have been shown true grace. God welcomed me home just ready to honour me...why God choses to honour me is something I will never truly understand...but I am trying to learn to accept it. I feel very raw right now...I want to be something but I am not that something yet. I want to be healed and whole...but I am hurt and lacking...I want to be a million steps ahead and I feel ashamed to be where I am...weak and needy. To be known is a scary thing...and yet to be honoured even in being known. I feel overwhelmed...tired...and helpless. But God has a season and a time for each of His children. Some are off to fight wars for Him, some are to heal the wounded, some are to stay and be quiet with Him...and for others/me...He asks that we be babies. To be someone who will not give anything in return. I have never learned to accept gifts, words, acts, etc without immediately feeling I must return the kindness. Babies...they are pretty selfish. They spit up on you, dirty their diapers, cry, snot on you, they just demand everything and yet have nothing to give in return...except to let you cuddle them...but even that is selfish...but guess what...I work with babies all day and even after all of the work and lack of return...I love them...I love it...I love to love those babies...and guess what??? GOD LOVES TO LOVE ME...US...He loves it. And right now all He wants from me is to be a horrible mess...cause He wants to reteach me life. I learned the wrong way...and the only way I can be reborn into His promise is to become a baby again. I am sorry if the next few months of my life I am not good at giving...but God is asking me to learn how to receive...and I have received the biggest and most undeserved welcome to my new place in life. But I am still in a it's all about me stage...and am learning that being in that stage may be completely allowed. Sometimes your life just changed forever. I miss my friends...I feel naked and venerable...so I will lie crying in God's arms...He's got the biggest and best rocking chair to hold you in! So yeah...let God in...step into the light...claim what you deserve and stop living the lie that you cannot have good...that's what I am working on...to be loved.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Darkness is so huge.
Death = Sin
Life = Jesus
If you only take from me this one small thing. Take this: take that sin is nothing to reckon with. It will steal every ounce of beauty, joy, peace, patience...and it will never leave you. It sits at your door like my roommates cat who is just waiting to dart into your room if you open the door just even a crack. When we are told to flee sin it was never just a suggestion or a mild command. When we were told to flee it was Jesus screaming to run from death. And yet, we...I...fail to see it as it truly is. It is a gunman, knifeman, arsonist, rapist, molester, etc standing right behind you...to murder you...to destroy the very ounce of life abundantly that God has promised us. It is there to kill you. If there was someone with a gun standing behind you and someone told you to flee from them you would never even for a second consider sticking around. I/We though, we turn and embrace sin...we love it as a friend, lover, protector, encourager...I have never until now understood the full magnitude of what sin is...in all its darkness and twisted systems...it is the most selfish and destructive thing. It is like taking acid and throwing it on your body. It is taking a knife and ripping to shreds the painting you just completed that was the most beautiful picture that was worth thousands of dollars that will bring income in to feed your family. It is death...it kills. I just want to get that into my head and to get that into the people around me. I have been so blind to the truth of God's word. I have been so ignorant. I have been deceived. And the worst part is that I let myself be deceived. I feel in love with the one thing that could rip my life apart and destroy. I not only welcomed that into my home...but the most twisted part of it all is that I got my home ready for it. Death it always steal your life if you let it...it knows no bounds, it knows no love, it knows no mercy. Death will always rob you of everything and anything no matter what. No matter how much you desire to be good, no matter how hard you want to change, no matter what the costs...death knows no consideration. It does not allow you to step forward without encroaching on your space. It only finds pleasure in aiding you in destroying everything that is good and wonderful and that is the true desire of God's heart to give you...and then it does not stay with you...it immediately leaves you. It does not care if you are hurting and naked and starving...it does not care if you have nothing anymore...it will not replace the good with bad...it just steals the good and leaves.
I realize the heaviness and somewhat morbidness of this post: but that's the point I want to understand. I do not know what it will take to get this fact into my head that it will stay and change my life...I want others to understand this. This is reality. This is truth. That sin is death that will destroy all things living and wonderful in your life if you allow it. And the only thing that can stop it is Jesus. It is the only thing. All the world of hoping in yourself, in others, in finding something better to cling to...and no matter how much you desire to be good and to leave death behind...it is only Jesus who can protect you...and you can not stray from Him at all. When you are with Jesus you are safe...you are protected...but if you leave the grasp of God...if you stray but a little...you are given a choice...given a command...but a choice to decide to follow or not.
I've never known the true depravity of sin...that instead of the roots of Jesus bringing life...and the most wonderful life ever...the weeds of death come and choke and destroy.
This is not a game...this is a war...where people get killed and maimed and there are traitors...this is war. This is life or death. There is no right or wrong...there is only life or death.
Bless the Lord for The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis...God will not give up and He can and will bring back to life the dead. This is a war that will end. I will be on the winning side. But I do not want to be the lucky one brought back to life but refuse to breath again. I want to breath. I want to have God...I am scared cause I do not always choose life. I do not always choose God...but I have never been more confident in that He alone can save me...and if I gain nothing but God and lose all else either because of my own actions or the cost of discipleship...then I will have gained everything.
You see sin has one weakness. It can kill and destroy and ruin and take away...it can take all life from you...but what it cannot do is take Jesus away from you...and if my sin causes all else to be destroyed I still yet have hope...because God cannot be destroyed. Relationships can be destroyed, lives can be destroyed, families, finances, etc...but God...He cannot. So no matter what sin/death cannot take God. And that is what I must rest in...please remain...please.
Life = Jesus
If you only take from me this one small thing. Take this: take that sin is nothing to reckon with. It will steal every ounce of beauty, joy, peace, patience...and it will never leave you. It sits at your door like my roommates cat who is just waiting to dart into your room if you open the door just even a crack. When we are told to flee sin it was never just a suggestion or a mild command. When we were told to flee it was Jesus screaming to run from death. And yet, we...I...fail to see it as it truly is. It is a gunman, knifeman, arsonist, rapist, molester, etc standing right behind you...to murder you...to destroy the very ounce of life abundantly that God has promised us. It is there to kill you. If there was someone with a gun standing behind you and someone told you to flee from them you would never even for a second consider sticking around. I/We though, we turn and embrace sin...we love it as a friend, lover, protector, encourager...I have never until now understood the full magnitude of what sin is...in all its darkness and twisted systems...it is the most selfish and destructive thing. It is like taking acid and throwing it on your body. It is taking a knife and ripping to shreds the painting you just completed that was the most beautiful picture that was worth thousands of dollars that will bring income in to feed your family. It is death...it kills. I just want to get that into my head and to get that into the people around me. I have been so blind to the truth of God's word. I have been so ignorant. I have been deceived. And the worst part is that I let myself be deceived. I feel in love with the one thing that could rip my life apart and destroy. I not only welcomed that into my home...but the most twisted part of it all is that I got my home ready for it. Death it always steal your life if you let it...it knows no bounds, it knows no love, it knows no mercy. Death will always rob you of everything and anything no matter what. No matter how much you desire to be good, no matter how hard you want to change, no matter what the costs...death knows no consideration. It does not allow you to step forward without encroaching on your space. It only finds pleasure in aiding you in destroying everything that is good and wonderful and that is the true desire of God's heart to give you...and then it does not stay with you...it immediately leaves you. It does not care if you are hurting and naked and starving...it does not care if you have nothing anymore...it will not replace the good with bad...it just steals the good and leaves.
I realize the heaviness and somewhat morbidness of this post: but that's the point I want to understand. I do not know what it will take to get this fact into my head that it will stay and change my life...I want others to understand this. This is reality. This is truth. That sin is death that will destroy all things living and wonderful in your life if you allow it. And the only thing that can stop it is Jesus. It is the only thing. All the world of hoping in yourself, in others, in finding something better to cling to...and no matter how much you desire to be good and to leave death behind...it is only Jesus who can protect you...and you can not stray from Him at all. When you are with Jesus you are safe...you are protected...but if you leave the grasp of God...if you stray but a little...you are given a choice...given a command...but a choice to decide to follow or not.
I've never known the true depravity of sin...that instead of the roots of Jesus bringing life...and the most wonderful life ever...the weeds of death come and choke and destroy.
This is not a game...this is a war...where people get killed and maimed and there are traitors...this is war. This is life or death. There is no right or wrong...there is only life or death.
Bless the Lord for The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis...God will not give up and He can and will bring back to life the dead. This is a war that will end. I will be on the winning side. But I do not want to be the lucky one brought back to life but refuse to breath again. I want to breath. I want to have God...I am scared cause I do not always choose life. I do not always choose God...but I have never been more confident in that He alone can save me...and if I gain nothing but God and lose all else either because of my own actions or the cost of discipleship...then I will have gained everything.
You see sin has one weakness. It can kill and destroy and ruin and take away...it can take all life from you...but what it cannot do is take Jesus away from you...and if my sin causes all else to be destroyed I still yet have hope...because God cannot be destroyed. Relationships can be destroyed, lives can be destroyed, families, finances, etc...but God...He cannot. So no matter what sin/death cannot take God. And that is what I must rest in...please remain...please.
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