Unicorn Tattoos

"Those to look to Him are radiant, AND THEIR FACES SHALL NEVER BE ASHAMED." - Psalm 34:5.


   How to put into words the last few days is near impossible for me. To feel as if you have died...stayed dead for days and to be resuscitated and literally feeling the life returning to your body...surreal. Have you ever been Lazarus? I have. To be dead and yet God says oh heck no you are going to live again...man. Walking into the light is the one of the scariest things...we talked about the Prodigal Son parable in church on Monday (in church...feels good to say I am back in church)...I have walked as the rebel son on the dirt path back to my home. Feeling lower then the dirt I was treading on...ready to beg my place back as a slave...man, if you have never felt like that I am so glad for you...it is one of the hardest places to walk...in shame. Shame is a heavy dress to wear. Mix that with armor to protect yourself from hurt and you will find that you will feel tired beyond any hope of recovery or refreshment. But God doesn't work with those rules...He is the Father that stands waiting to lavish you with goodness. I have been lavished with love, grace, and kindness since I walked into the light here in Nashville. I was hoping to be tolerated and yet I have been shown true grace. God welcomed me home just ready to honour me...why God choses to honour me is something I will never truly understand...but I am trying to learn to accept it. I feel very raw right now...I want to be something but I am not that something yet. I want to be healed and whole...but I am hurt and lacking...I want to be a million steps ahead and I feel ashamed to be where I am...weak and needy. To be known is a scary thing...and yet to be honoured even in being known. I feel overwhelmed...tired...and helpless. But God has a season and a time for each of His children. Some are off to fight wars for Him, some are to heal the wounded, some are to stay and be quiet with Him...and for others/me...He asks that we be babies. To be someone who will not give anything in return. I have never learned to accept gifts, words, acts, etc without immediately feeling I must return the kindness. Babies...they are pretty selfish. They spit up on you, dirty their diapers, cry, snot on you, they just demand everything and yet have nothing to give in return...except to let you cuddle them...but even that is selfish...but guess what...I work with babies all day and even after all of the work and lack of return...I love them...I love it...I love to love those babies...and guess what??? GOD LOVES TO LOVE ME...US...He loves it. And right now all He wants from me is to be a horrible mess...cause He wants to reteach me life. I learned the wrong way...and the only way I can be reborn into His promise is to become a baby again. I am sorry if the next few months of my life I am not good at giving...but God is asking me to learn how to receive...and I have received the biggest and most undeserved welcome to my new place in life. But I am still in a it's all about me stage...and am learning that being in that stage may be completely allowed. Sometimes your life just changed forever. I miss my friends...I feel naked and venerable...so I will lie crying in God's arms...He's got the biggest and best rocking chair to hold you in! So yeah...let God in...step into the light...claim what you deserve and stop living the lie that you cannot have good...that's what I am working on...to be loved.