I don't know the balance between reality and strength.
Should I be strong enough that moving to a new place with a whole new life in which I have moved around from 5 homes with no actual home of my own...a broken heart glass in my foot my other foot hurting for 3 years straight always being sick and running into a car...should those things never matter? They should at least never get in the way of joy peace patience kindness love gentleness...right? I want to be unshakeable. And constantly in God reflecting Him.
Can I be strong no matter what?
I feel like i am a frayed rope that needs to be burned/glued or else I will be useless for the things You want to use me for... Simply being Your daughter.
There are so many thoughts and frustrations flowing in and out of my head right now that I backed into a car today and dented it.
I want to stop letting my circumstances get in the way of God and my call to love.
But be gentle and patient with me...cause this is not easy nor do I want to give up my “right" to be pissed, frazzled, depressed, ect. I don't want to have to put myself aside...I am selfish...but when I took Jesus' gift of life and forgiveness...I gave up my right...
I mean we are to give up our shitty excuse for our lives to actually gain our life to the fullest.
I am ripping myself off...but I feel so entitled to my shitty life that I do not want to stop being so selfish...
What am I afraid of? Being joyful no matter what? Being the person who truly loves others?
Why is dying to self so hard? I think I just want people to care things hurt...
But I don't want to be here anymore...
I don't know how to change...
I have too many thoughts to ever think on God to give Him the glory He deserves...but He deserves it...
So is it a simple as just choosing to give it to Him...
After all He is the very one who will never overlook my disappointment, hurt, needs, etc.
So why not trust Him?
How do you trust God to help with glass in your foot though?
I guess I should shut up and worship God.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Layaway
What do you do when you feel your life is on layaway? I don't want to feel that I am waiting for the next thing to come...to happen...I want to make my life now...not in the future...
I moved to Nashville to heal...to grow...I moved here to learn. But I still feel that I am still waiting for the journey I want to be on to begin...I still feel I am just existing and I need to figure this out. I wish I was still in school where just existing seemed that it was good enough. To go back and get my masters would be my cop out I think. I am unhappy in where I am so to run and hide would not be the right thing.
My friend just told me that the grass is only greener on the side you water. I do not want to be discontent no matter where I am if I am not getting the things that I want...I do not want the grass to always be greener on the other side...I want to water the grass that I am currently on.
God is teaching me that He wants to be my strength...that He wants to be the thing that I am looking to fill me and help me ride the waves of life with grace and joy. I feel that right now not much in my life is very steady. Relationships, health, living, etc...the most steady thing I have now is a job caring for screaming but cute babies...I feel that I am growing very frail and thin in this season...but surprisingly I feel very full and strong...because God is teaching me to let Him be what is keeping me going...keeping me sane...keeping me full and healthy. I want to be a healthy person...and God is the answer to that.
But what else keeps us healthy? The truth? Facing what you don't want to believe to be true...I feel I have spent a great deal of my life hiding from what I felt...hiding from where I truly was...trying to be stronger than I really was. But the truth? The truth is...the truth is that I don't want to the truth to be true. I want to be able to brave every storm with grace and joy. But I fear I have come upon one storm that I just cannot shake...the storm that makes the pit of my stomach drop and stings the side of my eyes with tears. The worst and best part about this season in life is that everything else is where it should be...I don't want to be in Nashville for the sake of it being Nashville...but I am here because it is right...I think...
I am in a fairy tale with just one dragon to kill...my heart. Dragons are hard to kill...but thankfully God is here really big.
I am not sure where I am going in this blog...I think my heart feels like its in the mountains hiking the AT...but then every couple of days its reminded that I may not really be there yet. Will I ever be there? Is it worth dreaming for still...still planning on.
The truth: I am not strong enough to fight this dragon. The worst part about the truth: the dragon is very sweet.
How do you deal with disappointment...?
You take life as it is...where it is...and constantly look at God's face...cause it is precious and it will keep you safe.
Oh and rock climb a lot.
I moved to Nashville to heal...to grow...I moved here to learn. But I still feel that I am still waiting for the journey I want to be on to begin...I still feel I am just existing and I need to figure this out. I wish I was still in school where just existing seemed that it was good enough. To go back and get my masters would be my cop out I think. I am unhappy in where I am so to run and hide would not be the right thing.
My friend just told me that the grass is only greener on the side you water. I do not want to be discontent no matter where I am if I am not getting the things that I want...I do not want the grass to always be greener on the other side...I want to water the grass that I am currently on.
God is teaching me that He wants to be my strength...that He wants to be the thing that I am looking to fill me and help me ride the waves of life with grace and joy. I feel that right now not much in my life is very steady. Relationships, health, living, etc...the most steady thing I have now is a job caring for screaming but cute babies...I feel that I am growing very frail and thin in this season...but surprisingly I feel very full and strong...because God is teaching me to let Him be what is keeping me going...keeping me sane...keeping me full and healthy. I want to be a healthy person...and God is the answer to that.
But what else keeps us healthy? The truth? Facing what you don't want to believe to be true...I feel I have spent a great deal of my life hiding from what I felt...hiding from where I truly was...trying to be stronger than I really was. But the truth? The truth is...the truth is that I don't want to the truth to be true. I want to be able to brave every storm with grace and joy. But I fear I have come upon one storm that I just cannot shake...the storm that makes the pit of my stomach drop and stings the side of my eyes with tears. The worst and best part about this season in life is that everything else is where it should be...I don't want to be in Nashville for the sake of it being Nashville...but I am here because it is right...I think...
I am in a fairy tale with just one dragon to kill...my heart. Dragons are hard to kill...but thankfully God is here really big.
I am not sure where I am going in this blog...I think my heart feels like its in the mountains hiking the AT...but then every couple of days its reminded that I may not really be there yet. Will I ever be there? Is it worth dreaming for still...still planning on.
The truth: I am not strong enough to fight this dragon. The worst part about the truth: the dragon is very sweet.
How do you deal with disappointment...?
You take life as it is...where it is...and constantly look at God's face...cause it is precious and it will keep you safe.
Oh and rock climb a lot.
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