Rock climbing

I don't know the balance between reality and strength.

Should I be strong enough that moving to a new place with a whole new life in which I have moved around from 5 homes with no actual home of my own...a broken heart glass in my foot my other foot hurting for 3 years straight always being sick and running into a car...should those things never matter? They should at least never get in the way of joy peace patience kindness love gentleness...right? I want to be unshakeable. And constantly in God reflecting Him.

Can I be strong no matter what?

I feel like i am a frayed rope that needs to be burned/glued or else I will be useless for the things You want to use me for... Simply being Your daughter.

There are so many thoughts and frustrations flowing in and out of my head right now that I backed into a car today and dented it.

I want to stop letting my circumstances get in the way of God and my call to love.

But be gentle and patient with me...cause this is not easy nor do I want to give up my “right" to be pissed, frazzled, depressed, ect. I don't want to have to put myself aside...I am selfish...but when I took Jesus' gift of life and forgiveness...I gave up my right...

I mean we are to give up our shitty excuse for our lives to actually gain our life to the fullest.

I am ripping myself off...but I feel so entitled to my shitty life that I do not want to stop being so selfish...

What am I afraid of? Being joyful no matter what? Being the person who truly loves others?

Why is dying to self so hard? I think I just want people to care things hurt...

But I don't want to be here anymore...

I don't know how to change...

I have too many thoughts to ever think on God to give Him the glory He deserves...but He deserves it...

So is it a simple as just choosing to give it to Him...

After all He is the very one who will never overlook my disappointment, hurt, needs, etc.

So why not trust Him?

How do you trust God to help with glass in your foot though?

I guess I should shut up and worship God.