Finding Neverland

I have a lot of words stuck in my head lately, and it's been making it hard to hold conversations...so today I am going to sort through my mind. I love how God loves to know us. :)

Lately I have been stuck in this state of “What is was”, “What it was supposed to be”, “Why???”, “What it could be”...and that makes it hard to be in “What it is”. I feel that there has only been a few times in the last 6 months that I have been fully present. It makes me very sad. If the grass is always greener on the other side or only green where you water it then I think my grass is a little bit brown...or a lot brown...

See...I guess I am still processing everything with my move to Nashville...I am discouraged...disappointed...at myself for how I haven't been able to get my bearings yet. I haven't been able to adjust to how things are...I am just so angry at myself for that. I guess everyone here in Nashville has met a more healthy and more Spirit filled me...but they have also met an angrier and overwhelmed me. I am not an angry person...but lately I have found myself in a constant state of irritation that is so quickly turned into anger...everything seems to be the straw that broke the camels back. I am angry at a lot of things...including myself...because I am not who I want to be...who I long to show you...I love being fun and crazy and meeting new people...I just feel so frazzled all the time and tired and sick. I am so tired of being sick.

I have been realizing the magnitude of my expectations and the effect they have on my life. I have felt the bitterness of disappointment almost constantly.

I guess I felt that moving to Nashville would be one big party and adventure...it has been far from that for me.

I have come to Nashville to heal and to grow...and that the Lord is doing so beautifully and lovingly. He is a tender and the best hand holder. He has been by my side through all my anger and frustration and tears...constantly reminding me that I am here for Him and His healing in my heart and mind and life. I would make this move to Nashville a million times over and over again because of what God is doing in my life. I would move to know Him better the way I know Him now over and over...but there is still a lot of readjusting to be done for me. I guess I do not readjust as quickly as I thought. I wish I had not come to Nashville with so many expectations...

I am so discouraged. I feel that I am never present where I am and with the people I adore. I work 40 hours a week with babies...babies that I have fallen in love with...but they are not my own children and sometimes how much I love them hurts because they remind me how much I long to love my own babies! I am constantly exhausted because babies are tiring...so I go to bed early and rise early and all I want to do is sleep after I get off work...I am a pseudo mom...but I don't have a husband and child to go home to...I have a group of awesome crazy friends who I want to have the energy to hang out with...but I do not...and I am disappointed and discouraged because I am always too tired to adventure with them or even be fully present with them...babies also make you sick a lot!!!! DISCLAIMER: I LOVE MY JOB...I have never had a job that makes my heart so happy and I love these babies and their moms so very much! I wouldn't trade it for the world...It is my ministry and my my life right now...I just want to not be sick...any tips??? I am sick again and was too sick to fully enjoy the beauty of last nights Christmas show! It was wonderful! My friends are beautiful and giving and talented and I cannot believe I am getting blessed to be friends with them!!! I want to enjoy them the way they deserve to be enjoyed! Last year for the show I had driven up with friends and our moms to visit! I was full of life and excitement and enchantment...I was full of wanting to help and soak up every moment with them I could. This year I was feverish, falling asleep, and grumpy...wanting to be home in my bed. It broke my heart...how I am now in all my frustration, sickness, tiredness, and discouragement is breaking me heart.

I feel I moved away from everything I knew to step into something so beautiful and needed...and I am missing out on it all. I am watching the world happen around me without being a part of it. I want to be a part of it...but I don't know how. I don't know how to not be exhausted and sick. I don't know how to not be discouraged or disappointed.

To my friends: I love you all and I think you are all the most beautiful people inside and out that I ever met and I long so much to be able to be more present when I am with you all and to bless you the way you bless me. I just want you to know how much you are loved and cherished...you all break my heart in the best of ways and my heart is aching to be not overwhelmed so that I can truly enjoy you all as you are meant to be!!! I miss you all...I miss being friends...unconstrained and unhindered by anything...I miss being fully present when we all hang out. I miss not being sick and tired and being a pseudo mom.

I am sad at how things have turned out...I feel that I am watching the coolest movie and I don't want to watch it I want to be a part of it!!!

I ask for your prayers, encouragement, comments, rebuke...lol all of the above. I am blessed...but I am discouraged. It's a weird place to be in.

But I am here...and God is here with me. He is steady, loving, patient, and aching for and with me. I am learning so much and things are being broken off me that have been weighing me down for years. I am getting healed...but I feel very lonely in it...not to anyone's fault but perhaps my own. Maybe this is a time to be just alone with God a lot...but I am not doing a very good job at that.

God wants to bring life and light into your world...and when you give Him room...He brings it on! God is awesome. Make room...I am trying to learn/remember to keep doing that...I don't want anything...sickness, exhaustion, discouragement, disappointment, anger, or whatever to get in the way of that. I am trying...God is so proud...

God is so proud of our smallest efforts...cause He knows that He is the one that does the work...we have only to come to Him...it's ridiculous how much we have it all wrong...we think we have to do all the work so we get too discouraged to come to Him cause we aren't healed yet...God's like...whoa whoa whoa...just come to me like a little kid...little kids know where it's at. So be a kid. It's kinda fun...and always awesome to see how much God keeps His promises.

Today I feel like Peter Pan...today I feel like I grew up...that I am growing up...to live will be a big adventure J.M. Barrie said once...he was onto something.

I am having growing pains, but I want to be grateful for this time that God has designed for me that is for me to grow up and learn...He brought me here to teach me...to equip me...to grow me...it is not easy...it hurts...but one day I will learn how to adjust to it and find joy in all circumstances even when it means letting go of what I thought and holding on to what is...even when it hurts.