I needed a vacation more then I realized that I did. And seeing my most cherished friends Lauren and Mille was magical. I miss them so much. It is rare that you find such sweet friends who you can be so much yourself with and feel so loved no matter what...I want to never stop appreciating that gift.
Visiting Portland made me think a lot. And I am still thinking so I won't share all my thoughts...but one thing is it has made me realize what Nashville was all about.
I moved to Nashville with grand expectations and the intention of healing. But something else happened instead...well along side...I have found healing...but healing looked a lot like finding myself. I think that God knew I needed to stop long enough to have to see that I lost my way. For the last 7 years I have side stepped...a funky dance with God, family, friends, love...one move after another that was not forward...and these dances have been beautiful, joyful, healing, painful, harmful, and a myriad of other things...
I think that God knew that the healing I really needed was to see what I have been doing and how lost I had become. He is beautiful and loving and so big. He knew that I needed to meet Him and dance alone with Him.
I think that what Nashville has brought to me most...is the reminder that I must trek into the world doing what God has passionately placed deep inside of me. I am me...I have passions and dreams and paths to take. I have been so afraid to do the things I know are rooted deeply in me to do...I am afraid because I do not want to do them alone. I want to be where the people I love are...but the people I love are everywhere...I cannot be with everyone...and yet...I feel that where I am supposed to go is where no one is. A place where not a soul is known to me...and for the first time in 7 years...I am eager to start this journey.
God has given me the most beautiful community of people. Friends in Portland, in Nashville, in VA, in NJ, in Scotland, in Kentucky...everywhere. These people are so beautiful and I think that God would have me learn to appreciate them to the fullest. The thing is...that if I am not taking care of me...and doing what is me...then I will always be doing something that is someone else's...
This may not make sense to anyone and yet this is the biggest thing. I am me. And I am almost okay to be me. I am strong and I desire to be with God in the woods. So perhaps you may find me hiking the Appalachian Trail sooner then later...or you may find me up on a mountain top standing in awe of the God that I am eager to meet...
I am eager to be me...even if being me takes me away from all the people I most dearly love...
I am eager to meet God...away from all the confusion of what others say about Him or how to be like Him...
"I wish I could be more like the mountains."
I don't know what all of this means or will bring...but I know it's big...and something inside of me is waking. And I am afraid.
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