What I cannot say out loud but what is in my head and heart...so why not:
People ask me about why I am so opposed to relationships at the moment. Well, it is because I am confused. I am unsure of what I think and hence I am unsure of what I want. I know what I want in life. I want to hike the AT, go to grad school and become a counselor, have babies (ha perhaps just adopt on my own without being married), and make a small change in the world around me. I know these things. What I don't know is what I think about faith, God, politics, right and wrong...and how would I know what type of guy I want to share my life with then.
Even as I type this I think I know. I want someone who loves God and is trying to seek Him but sees the complications to it...understand the battle that I feel when it comes to faith and Christianity and the church.
I struggle with it so much...
There seems such hopelessness in not believing in with full faith in God. No one to pray to in times of sorrow, no one to trust in times of fear, no one to have hope in that there is something better or a purpose, no one to make sense of the confusion in right and wrong, no one to push you to be something more and better than you are...but I can't just dive into it. Why?
I think a part of it is cause I don't want to be like so many "Christians" or Christians out there. The hypocrisy and the seemingly lack of serious thought in their words and their actions...I guess it would take a lot for me to explain how I fully about that...and I do not mean this about everyone I know...so please do not take this the wrong way...there is just a deep pain to the injustice that is caused by those in the name of God...
Another part is because there are parts of it that don't make sense...parts that seem absurd or factually proven wrong. Perhaps I am too afraid of being scientifically proven wrong...and I am so good at seeing the point of the other side on either end...I perhaps cannot get my own back bone in this issue...despite all my studying and debating...I am still left having a hard time just diving into all the facts of the Bible.
I think a huge part of why it is hard is because there is so much pain in believing...there are a lot of really harsh and painful aspects of what God did in the Old Testament that I don't understand how people just bare and grin...how it is never a point of contention for others...and mostly what about the issues that I just can't get past and that make me so angry when I hear Christians debate or make statements on?
The issue of homosexuality has been one of those topics that crush me...that make me so sad and so angry and so resentful that I don't know what to do so I just shut down. I hate it when I hear Christians make statements like "don't let him wear a bow on his head (referring to a 4 year old who is jealous his little sister gets to wear bows)..."you need to make sure you teach him about the beauty of the difference between being a man vs a woman now and make sure he is all boy" (what in the world does being "all boy" even mean?!!? Jesus didn't seem all boy if you ask me in comparison to what our society teaches or taught about being a man)...and it breaks my heart when it is said about how "the difference between being a girl and a boy are God given differences that He designed inside people"...and when people say "I hope they get better" as if being a LGBT is an illness. Even typing all this sends me into so much pain...and yet it is such a flippant easy answer for so many Christians...and I there is so much hate and pain caused in the name of Christ and I just don't believe it…
I think sometimes I have gotten confused in who God is and what He says and everything that Christians say He is and what He does and will do…I guess I feel that so much of why church is hard or what not is that everyone is trying to tell you who God is…and quite frankly people have their different opinions or beliefs in that…
We give advice and our opinions too quickly and too flippantly I think…with the authority of God as our power…but do we have that in all the things we say??? I just wish God would come down and be His own voice to clear the overwhelming fog that I feel has gathered of other's voices for God.
The crushing pain that people deal with...whether it be dealing with your sexual identity, sexual assault, depression, crushed dreams…I think while God offers so much hope there is a lot of pain in hope that make it harder for some people…I think this is hard for me too. I am bitter. I have a lot of broken dreams...I am crushed and I don't want to let anything in. Just like relationships have left me very hurt and I truly do not trust them or guys in the way of my heart…well…I guess I don't trust God…or what people tell me of God…
If the Bible is supposed to be what I read for hope and encouragement…what do I do when it leaves me hurt or angry?
I need to clear my mind…and I would like to do it in the middle of the woods on mountain top…or petting a wild horse in the middle of a field on the AT.
But in all this I want God...sometimes in the most random moments I realize that I want God so bad...I don't mean all this to say that I have come to the point of no belief...but I just don't understand how this is something so easy for some...
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