Conversations.

It’s like swimming when you can’t swim. You keep flailing around and sputtering. Coughing up water that you continually keep breathing in and flopping around wildly. Then God walks over and say, “Hey, are you tired yet? Or do you want to keep this up?” And instead of answering Him you keep on keeping on…getting nowhere while getting more and more exhausted. Then God comes back over and says, “You want to learn how to swim? There is an easier way to do all of this.” But you keep doing it your own way as it slowly kills you. You begin to go under as you thrash about crazily trying to grab onto something…anything and everything. God walks back over and yells, “STOP IT! LOOK AT ME!!!” You stop flailing and realize that you are in shallow water and can stand…and then God teaches you how to swim.

Gosh, I want God so bad. I want His help. I have tasted His freedom and His desire for us, but I feel so out of reach. Man, okay it’s like climbing a route on the rock wall and you keep reaching for the next hold but you just cannot reach it. I keep trying over and over but now my arms pumped out and I am exhausted. The thing is I know it is just a matter of taking a step back and resting and then trying it a different angle. My favourite feeling when climbing is when I discover that if I just shift my weight or twist my body I can finally reach that next hold that I thought was impossible to get. I feel like God is just longing to twist me and balance me. I want that. I want that so bad. I am discouraged to see how much I need to be helped in…but when you think about it…it makes sense. We live in a fallen sinful world…we are surrounded by fallen sinful people influencing us…and then worst of all we have ourselves lying and harming ourselves. There is a lot of straightening out to be done. I am ready for the fire to be refined. But I am scared. I don’t like what I see in my own weaknesses. I want to be strong and proud. But God wants me to be a child and humble.

Like Aslan God is good…but He doesn’t always feel safe…but He is the safest place to me…so if you are looking for me these days…I may not be found. I am hiding away in God and reading Narnia books…Safe and terrified.

I am finding it hard to be able to honestly say that I am asking for God…without inadvertently asking for something else along with it. God is jealous…He wants me…and will not bribe me to Him. He is going to claim me for Himself. Not claim me for someone else or something else. This is a hard thing to realize for me…but I don’t know God very well. He is something distant that loves me but that is something that seems to me as pain. God is painful…that is how I have known Him. I feel He is becoming the most beautiful lover that is not going to be willing to put up with me being in love with anyone but Him. It is like watching someone you love flirt with other people…it’s like a knife in your heart. Is that how God feels about us?

I am afraid, I think, to come back to an emotional relationship with God. It is easy when its facts…all relationships are easy when at a distance. For me the moment it becomes real…I get scared. There is too much to lose I think. I am afraid of losing things with God. I am afraid that what I am chasing after is not real…I am just afraid. I feel more vulnerable and fragile than ever. How did this happen? But I guess it’s a good thing. He says He is close…I know it’s true…but it is scary man!