Planes hearts and horses

Heart, planes and pine trees.

Sunlux and I hang out on a plane. I would be seated next to a small child :) hahaha I love it! God knew it would warm my heart :)

There are a lot of hearts on a plane and I always wonder what is going on in the lives of the people around me as people talk to each other. I wonder if everyone wants to be talking to complete strangers or they want to be left alone. I just listened to two people have a conversation that just felt like they were just agreeing with each other to get acceptance...

That conversation made me think about how I've been battling the desire to impress people and not even thinking about God. Ironically I've been in the season of life in which I really am not a very impressive person...but that made me think about whether God was impressed with me...I think He smiles much more than He frowns at me at us. Somehow in the end impressing God is so much more peaceful and less taunting then impressing man. God is so loving and gentle...and He's always watching and sees those moments you try...and He's so glad to have you...even if that moment is short. Sometimes people don't see when you try...God does though. It's nice to know that the only one I need to try for is God...and He finds my child like attempts beautiful. There is so much love and grace found in Him. One of my babies at work has stolen my heart...I think he's the best even when he's throwing a fit or cussing me out...I am so proud of him and just want to hug him a lot...Gods way way more in love with us and loves to hug us and help us and correct us more then I do for Sam...I can't imagine God having more love then I do for my little friend...but Gods love is way way big!!!

I wish they still handed out pretzels on airplanes...

Finding Neverland

I have a lot of words stuck in my head lately, and it's been making it hard to hold conversations...so today I am going to sort through my mind. I love how God loves to know us. :)

Lately I have been stuck in this state of “What is was”, “What it was supposed to be”, “Why???”, “What it could be”...and that makes it hard to be in “What it is”. I feel that there has only been a few times in the last 6 months that I have been fully present. It makes me very sad. If the grass is always greener on the other side or only green where you water it then I think my grass is a little bit brown...or a lot brown...

See...I guess I am still processing everything with my move to Nashville...I am discouraged...disappointed...at myself for how I haven't been able to get my bearings yet. I haven't been able to adjust to how things are...I am just so angry at myself for that. I guess everyone here in Nashville has met a more healthy and more Spirit filled me...but they have also met an angrier and overwhelmed me. I am not an angry person...but lately I have found myself in a constant state of irritation that is so quickly turned into anger...everything seems to be the straw that broke the camels back. I am angry at a lot of things...including myself...because I am not who I want to be...who I long to show you...I love being fun and crazy and meeting new people...I just feel so frazzled all the time and tired and sick. I am so tired of being sick.

I have been realizing the magnitude of my expectations and the effect they have on my life. I have felt the bitterness of disappointment almost constantly.

I guess I felt that moving to Nashville would be one big party and adventure...it has been far from that for me.

I have come to Nashville to heal and to grow...and that the Lord is doing so beautifully and lovingly. He is a tender and the best hand holder. He has been by my side through all my anger and frustration and tears...constantly reminding me that I am here for Him and His healing in my heart and mind and life. I would make this move to Nashville a million times over and over again because of what God is doing in my life. I would move to know Him better the way I know Him now over and over...but there is still a lot of readjusting to be done for me. I guess I do not readjust as quickly as I thought. I wish I had not come to Nashville with so many expectations...

I am so discouraged. I feel that I am never present where I am and with the people I adore. I work 40 hours a week with babies...babies that I have fallen in love with...but they are not my own children and sometimes how much I love them hurts because they remind me how much I long to love my own babies! I am constantly exhausted because babies are tiring...so I go to bed early and rise early and all I want to do is sleep after I get off work...I am a pseudo mom...but I don't have a husband and child to go home to...I have a group of awesome crazy friends who I want to have the energy to hang out with...but I do not...and I am disappointed and discouraged because I am always too tired to adventure with them or even be fully present with them...babies also make you sick a lot!!!! DISCLAIMER: I LOVE MY JOB...I have never had a job that makes my heart so happy and I love these babies and their moms so very much! I wouldn't trade it for the world...It is my ministry and my my life right now...I just want to not be sick...any tips??? I am sick again and was too sick to fully enjoy the beauty of last nights Christmas show! It was wonderful! My friends are beautiful and giving and talented and I cannot believe I am getting blessed to be friends with them!!! I want to enjoy them the way they deserve to be enjoyed! Last year for the show I had driven up with friends and our moms to visit! I was full of life and excitement and enchantment...I was full of wanting to help and soak up every moment with them I could. This year I was feverish, falling asleep, and grumpy...wanting to be home in my bed. It broke my heart...how I am now in all my frustration, sickness, tiredness, and discouragement is breaking me heart.

I feel I moved away from everything I knew to step into something so beautiful and needed...and I am missing out on it all. I am watching the world happen around me without being a part of it. I want to be a part of it...but I don't know how. I don't know how to not be exhausted and sick. I don't know how to not be discouraged or disappointed.

To my friends: I love you all and I think you are all the most beautiful people inside and out that I ever met and I long so much to be able to be more present when I am with you all and to bless you the way you bless me. I just want you to know how much you are loved and cherished...you all break my heart in the best of ways and my heart is aching to be not overwhelmed so that I can truly enjoy you all as you are meant to be!!! I miss you all...I miss being friends...unconstrained and unhindered by anything...I miss being fully present when we all hang out. I miss not being sick and tired and being a pseudo mom.

I am sad at how things have turned out...I feel that I am watching the coolest movie and I don't want to watch it I want to be a part of it!!!

I ask for your prayers, encouragement, comments, rebuke...lol all of the above. I am blessed...but I am discouraged. It's a weird place to be in.

But I am here...and God is here with me. He is steady, loving, patient, and aching for and with me. I am learning so much and things are being broken off me that have been weighing me down for years. I am getting healed...but I feel very lonely in it...not to anyone's fault but perhaps my own. Maybe this is a time to be just alone with God a lot...but I am not doing a very good job at that.

God wants to bring life and light into your world...and when you give Him room...He brings it on! God is awesome. Make room...I am trying to learn/remember to keep doing that...I don't want anything...sickness, exhaustion, discouragement, disappointment, anger, or whatever to get in the way of that. I am trying...God is so proud...

God is so proud of our smallest efforts...cause He knows that He is the one that does the work...we have only to come to Him...it's ridiculous how much we have it all wrong...we think we have to do all the work so we get too discouraged to come to Him cause we aren't healed yet...God's like...whoa whoa whoa...just come to me like a little kid...little kids know where it's at. So be a kid. It's kinda fun...and always awesome to see how much God keeps His promises.

Today I feel like Peter Pan...today I feel like I grew up...that I am growing up...to live will be a big adventure J.M. Barrie said once...he was onto something.

I am having growing pains, but I want to be grateful for this time that God has designed for me that is for me to grow up and learn...He brought me here to teach me...to equip me...to grow me...it is not easy...it hurts...but one day I will learn how to adjust to it and find joy in all circumstances even when it means letting go of what I thought and holding on to what is...even when it hurts.  

Learning is painful but God keeps His word.

I learned something tonight.

I've never once told the people who directly have hurt me the truth about how I really feel...

I cannot think of one time that I have been hurt by family, friends, boyfriends etc and actually told them exactly how I was hurt and how I was feeling.

I've always been really good at letter writing and fake conversations (neither of which are good at actually dealing with or expressing hurt fully or at all) or months after the fact trying to back track my feelings and only get jumbled bits and pieces of the story out.

I don't know why I can't express myself to those who hurt me...

I have some ideas of where the roots are from but that's not important for this blog. What is important is that the damage this has done in my life is enormous.

I have taught myself and been taught my others that my feelings are stupid or invalid...I mean what's the point of telling someone how or why they have hurt you...it's a thing of the past right? How can you move on if you bring up what cannot be changed???

Well I will tell you...

Not being honest when you've been hurt does several things:

1) destroys relationships between you and the person who hurt you. If you never tell the truth then your feelings will never be validated and resolved...you can move on but the sting of hurt that was never addressed will lay buried...but still lives on. There will be something in between you...now God can remove it and bring healing which I've seen in my own life but its a long and painful journey.

2) you will continue to pile more and more pain in your heart and mind and never feel that it has been recognized and dealt with. You will always be hurting and always want people to know your hurt...but if you never tell the person at the root of your pain you're using a bandaid for a gash that needs a 100 stitches. You will be too afraid of letting go of your pain because that means yet again your pain is unnoticed or only partly addressed...it's very hard to find joy and hold on to it when you're holding onto pain.

3) it will make you feel like you are broken and messed up because you will keep having “conversations" that are only half the truth...you will keep feeling that the issue is unresolved and therefore something else is needing to be said

This starts the cycle all over again...

And I'm so incredibly tired of this cycle in my life.

I'm tired of feeling hurt, angry, devoid of joy, and broken.

I want good relationships around me with friends and family and I hope one day to have a really great marriage and be a counselor...

I have to stop my cycle of pain and anger and I have to start being honest. Really...even when it's just me saying I'm hurt just so that the other person knows they hurt me.

I'm sorry in advance friends and family. Please pray for me and bare with me as I step out into being honest. I need this...more than I can express...

Please be praying. Thanks!

Falling bread

I am currently sitting in my car...just doing some light blogging...one of the many moments of being house less. Going to Kroger to use the bathroom and napping in my car are not so uncommon things in my life lately...ill admit I'm very tired.

But guys here is where it's at: I am a grumbling Israelite. It's crazy to look at the Old Testament passages about how God saved His people from captivity and abuse to bring them to the promise land...it's crazy because our stories are seemingly identical. The death and pain and abuse that I have just been drawn out of is staggering. I am now in a place of being led to the promise land but am having to journey there some now. I don't have a place to live but over the last four months I have never had to really worry. I have been provided a place to live and now a place to store all of my belongings that have just arrived. Within days of needing something I have been given what I need just as the Israelites where given manna from heaven...an yet I am complaining just like the Israelites...I have even caught myself saying I want to back...just like the Israelites...but man I don't want to be an Israelite made to wander forty years...and I don't want to doubt God that the promises land is unattainable.

But what is the promised land?! I think I need a major shift in thought...ill be honest my promised land has always been getting married...I think that the promised land I really being healthy joyful and truly in relationship with my Daddy.

Yes my life is much like the Israelites...I am very loved by God.

Falling in love and Babies

I have been thinking a bunch about what falling in love is all about. I don't mean just the kind of falling in love that you normally think about like the falling in love when you meet the dopest kinda guy...I mean all kinds of falling in love. Like these kinds of falling in love:

1) Working with the most adorable babies that scream and puke and poop and pee on you...then smile so big that it brings tears to your eyes. How do you fall in love when they are not your babies and they will only sleep when they are in your arms? How do you fall in love when every ounce of sanity has left you because you are stuck in a small room with four babies hating you cause they all want to be held, fed, and told they are loved all at the same time?

2) Having the best family ever! How do you fall in love with your family when everyone is so busy and you always forget to call them...I hate that. I hate that falling in love with my family is not more of a priority. I am learning how to fall in love with my parents as friends...but still knowing I need them cause I will always be their little girl who is so hopelessly in need of their help and advice. And I have the coolest brothers that I really wish I saw/talked to more...I want to fall in love with them more and my awesome sister in law even though she has a cat ;)

3) Friends...old friends and new friends. The kind of friends who even though you break their heart will always come to be by your side when you need to escape the worlds most painful moments. I want to fall in love with the friends I never see anymore...I am horrible at keeping up with people who are not in my everyday life...but I want to be better...I want to fall in love with new friends and go through the hard stuff...I want to love my friends better...they deserve it cause they are wonderful...I could shout out to a few but I am blessed with too many...but very much to the friends who went through the darkest times with me and yet still stand by my side in love even when I do not return that love the same. I want to fall in love with my friends better.

4) Falling in love with the guys around my as my friends and brothers. I am not good at that. I am not good and honouring and respecting the guys around me...I want to fall in love with them the right way. I do not need to need their approval. I always wanted to be liked...to be known to be the cool girl that people should want to date. I was never the girl that the guys wanted to date so I always worked hard at getting attention...I want that to stop. I want to love the guys around me in not needing them...not using them. I am sorry dear friends...

5) What does falling in love with a man look like...the kind that you know you can go through all of life's adventures together and come out stronger each year...the kind that you want to foster kids with because you know they are going to love and help bring healing to the broken...the kind who is beyond your understanding...what does respecting and honouring the man you romantically fall in love with...when can you fall in love? What does this kind of love falling look like? How do you act around the other guys in your life? I do not know what romantic falling in love looks like...

6) Most importantly what does falling in love with God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit look like? Because truly this is where it all begins...and where it all ends...sometimes always I get too caught up in what the other falling in loves look like that I put falling in love with God on the shelf...but really this is the key...so how do I fall in love with God? Is my focus to be less on whether I am doing it right or wrong...and just do it?

I mean in all the categories listed...can you fall in love if you are always thinking and evaluating yourself? Should your efforts go to falling in love instead of did you do it right today or not...I mean or maybe it should be about how you do it...I want to love well.

I am not good at it yet...as my friend and I talked about tonight...falling in love is going to be a never ending lesson. I just want to start at the beginning...God...He loves well. I know that He can teach me best...

Falling in love...with/and babies....

It is a hard and scary thing...

To be in love will be a big adventure.

I want to fall harder...

With wisdom...

God perhaps is the only one who can show me how to fall in love...does it start with just spending more time with the creator and perfecter of love?

3:14am and Bon Iver: tired eyes and a mountain of kleenex from allergies: ...and this is where I am...

I WANT TO LOVE GOD.
MY FAMILY
MY FRIENDS/GUYS
MY BABIES (mine or not)
MY LOVE (I gotta get the rest down first before I can love you the right way whoever you are!!!)

Does one fall in love with themselves?... as my friends say "We are awesome"

I love you. All of you. Despite my failure of displaying or even acknowledging my love...I do. And I am trying to learn how to fall in love with you all more.

Rock climbing

I don't know the balance between reality and strength.

Should I be strong enough that moving to a new place with a whole new life in which I have moved around from 5 homes with no actual home of my own...a broken heart glass in my foot my other foot hurting for 3 years straight always being sick and running into a car...should those things never matter? They should at least never get in the way of joy peace patience kindness love gentleness...right? I want to be unshakeable. And constantly in God reflecting Him.

Can I be strong no matter what?

I feel like i am a frayed rope that needs to be burned/glued or else I will be useless for the things You want to use me for... Simply being Your daughter.

There are so many thoughts and frustrations flowing in and out of my head right now that I backed into a car today and dented it.

I want to stop letting my circumstances get in the way of God and my call to love.

But be gentle and patient with me...cause this is not easy nor do I want to give up my “right" to be pissed, frazzled, depressed, ect. I don't want to have to put myself aside...I am selfish...but when I took Jesus' gift of life and forgiveness...I gave up my right...

I mean we are to give up our shitty excuse for our lives to actually gain our life to the fullest.

I am ripping myself off...but I feel so entitled to my shitty life that I do not want to stop being so selfish...

What am I afraid of? Being joyful no matter what? Being the person who truly loves others?

Why is dying to self so hard? I think I just want people to care things hurt...

But I don't want to be here anymore...

I don't know how to change...

I have too many thoughts to ever think on God to give Him the glory He deserves...but He deserves it...

So is it a simple as just choosing to give it to Him...

After all He is the very one who will never overlook my disappointment, hurt, needs, etc.

So why not trust Him?

How do you trust God to help with glass in your foot though?

I guess I should shut up and worship God.

Layaway

What do you do when you feel your life is on layaway? I don't want to feel that I am waiting for the next thing to come...to happen...I want to make my life now...not in the future...

I moved to Nashville to heal...to grow...I moved here to learn. But I still feel that I am still waiting for the journey I want to be on to begin...I still feel I am just existing and I need to figure this out. I wish I was still in school where just existing seemed that it was good enough. To go back and get my masters would be my cop out I think. I am unhappy in where I am so to run and hide would not be the right thing.

My friend just told me that the grass is only greener on the side you water. I do not want to be discontent no matter where I am if I am not getting the things that I want...I do not want the grass to always be greener on the other side...I want to water the grass that I am currently on.

God is teaching me that He wants to be my strength...that He wants to be the thing that I am looking to fill me and help me ride the waves of life with grace and joy. I feel that right now not much in my life is very steady. Relationships, health, living, etc...the most steady thing I have now is a job caring for screaming but cute babies...I feel that I am growing very frail and thin in this season...but surprisingly I feel very full and strong...because God is teaching me to let Him be what is keeping me going...keeping me sane...keeping me full and healthy. I want to be a healthy person...and God is the answer to that.

But what else keeps us healthy? The truth? Facing what you don't want to believe to be true...I feel I have spent a great deal of my life hiding from what I felt...hiding from where I truly was...trying to be stronger than I really was. But the truth? The truth is...the truth is that I don't want to the truth to be true. I want to be able to brave every storm with grace and joy. But I fear I have come upon one storm that I just cannot shake...the storm that makes the pit of my stomach drop and stings the side of my eyes with tears. The worst and best part about this season in life is that everything else is where it should be...I don't want to be in Nashville for the sake of it being Nashville...but I am here because it is right...I think...

I am in a fairy tale with just one dragon to kill...my heart. Dragons are hard to kill...but thankfully God is here really big.

I am not sure where I am going in this blog...I think my heart feels like its in the mountains hiking the AT...but then every couple of days its reminded that I may not really be there yet. Will I ever be there? Is it worth dreaming for still...still planning on.

The truth: I am not strong enough to fight this dragon. The worst part about the truth: the dragon is very sweet.

How do you deal with disappointment...?

You take life as it is...where it is...and constantly look at God's face...cause it is precious and it will keep you safe.

Oh and rock climb a lot.