The Floor.

Jesus says His yoke is light (Matt. 11:28). He says His commands are not burdensome (1 John 5:3). He says that He will renew my strength (Isaiah 40:31).

He is there. And in all the confusion, hurt, anger, worry, questions, and burdens of this life He is there. Oh He is waiting for you to simply cry out. To lie on your floor and ask Him to come. To come. To come. To just come.

He wants to take our hurt, He wants to take our anger, He wants to take our disappointment...He wants so much for us. He wants us. He wants me. He wants you. Just call out for Him. Give Him even just a second of your time. Just a small space in your heart. Give Him you and He will wrap you, He will heal you, He will come. He will stay.

He is the best. He is the love that will never leave you. You have simply to ask. He is my Friday night. And in the end of all He is the only thing that is worth my all. He is the rock that I will always find rest and security in.

Come to the floor...spend some time calling...He hears hearts and heals (Psalm 34:18).

God or Me?

Sometimes I find myself sitting in a cubicle…hating life. I was not made for a cubicle, but God knows this. He has plans, but right now this is where I am. I am no longer convinced that the argument of this is where God has me and this is what He wants for me right now. I am not sure of that. I am sure though that He is here with me…He may want me out of this cubicle the way I want out of the cubicle, but we are here together for just a little bit longer. I have been reminded time and time again in the last few months of God’s love and grace and desire for good in my life. It’s like a sneak peak took place of the presents God has for me…but right now patience is the gift that God is helping me receive. I am here now. And now God is just as big and calling for just as much joy. Whether I am hanging out with my friends Timbre and Mason who are so far away in Nashville/my friends here or in this cubicle answering phone calls…whether I am surrounded by people pursuing God or surrounded by people who are just doing what they do…the thing is that God and the joy I have in should not change. 

At work today I was just in such a rough, annoyed, and angry mood. Every phone call was preluded with me clenching my fists and saying I don't want to do this...and then I answered as pleasantly as I could...but I felt like I was being forced to lie...to pretend I was okay. I have never been very good at pretending...which is a good and bad thing I suppose.

Something happened though, I heard God saying, "Hey...I made you with uniqueness. I made you crazy. I made you funny. I made you with a joy in being in people's lives that doesn't make sense. I made you. I made you with a huge heart. I made you with such unique perspective and passions. I made you to not care about the world's opinions of what is cool. I made you to shine...and guess what you are doing? You are getting in the way of Me in you." That's a lot to hear from God when your in a cubicle...but what I realized is I am getting in the way of God's design and purpose. He may not want me in a cubicle but I am in a cubicle. If I am too focused on getting through the day then no one on the other end nor my coworkers will get to see God through me. 

God knows us. He loves us. He desires good for us. He desires life for us. The fact that the world is full of sin and cages locking us in is more painful to God then it is to us. But He wants the truth to shine through the darkness...no matter what the circumstances.

If Paul and Silas could sing praises to God locked in a jail cell after being beaten (Acts 16) then I can be singing and shining God's love and beauty in a cubicle cell. I know that I would rather be in a position of prison because I was spreading God's love and not because I work a job I hate...but I chose to get a Biblical Studies degree...I chose it because I wanted God. How easy it is to forget that this is for a season...but just because you are in a tough season does not mean you have the right to get in God's way.

So today I am choosing to let God through. To get out of the way of His design and purpose. So the people calling should see God in me just the way my friends I love get to see God in me. 

The truth though is that I need a lot of prayer please...this time in life is one of the hardest I have found myself in...but God is more obvious and loving then I have ever realized Him to be. 

I want to sing praises to God in my cubicle...I want to be Paul...no I want to be Jesus. He is here and He is so rich and full of love. I want people to meet Him and know Him...so why do I keep getting in the way?

Trail Mix

God is love. God loves.

I am included in these statements. Sometimes it seems so easy for me to think that God loves other people but not me. It’s stupid because He has been providing for me like crazy…but in more protective measures than perhaps giving me things. I have spent the last 5 years having to see God’s love in not being able to have the things I have desired. I have learned to believe that I should not expect good things, because good things are not something promised. I am beginning to realize that I may be so wrong. I have had some major things that my heart has been burdened for. I desire so much to work and love in some crazy ways that are so beyond the normal lifestyle that most people have. I desire so much to be a part of a group of friends who are crazy like me and love in big ways that I can live with in community and serve others with. I desire so much to hike the AT and go to grad school for family and marriage counseling. I desire so much to be married and have a crazy cool partner in crime to serve God with. I desire so much to be small and God to be big. I want to stand on mountain tops regularly, and I have always desired to travel the world and meet new people and hear their stories. I want these things so much that when I think about them my heart wells up with tears and excitement. I have treasured these desires in my heart for as long as I can remember. The last five years of my life have been about surrendering these desires over and over to God. I have crushed my spirit into the thought that I must just seek joy and know God’s love for me only based off of the promise an abundant life in Him without the things I desire being a reality. That I will not have the things I desire but must believe that God loves me still because He died for me on the cross. Over the last few months some of the craziest things have happened. I got to go on tour with the dearest of people in my life which was something I have always wanted to be a part of. I have met some of the coolest people who have the same heart for people and ministry and community and unicorns and hiking the AT. I have been on so many mountain tops lately and have the opportunity to move to Nashville to be among awesome friends. I am also making some major breakthroughs with the lies I have allowed to take over my relationship with God and with other people. As well as some other awesome cool things have been under scheme these days. You would think that all I would be doing is going crazy with excitement and reckless abandonment to praising God…but where I find myself is sitting in fear. I have given my heart to things that were close to what I wanted but not really what I wanted and God has protected me from them…but it has felt like one hope crushing after another. I know God has been protecting me for something great…so what do I do when I see that greatness??? I remain frozen with fear while everyone else dances with joy for me. I am so quick to fret that God will not provide the job and finances for me to actually move to Nashville. What I have come to believe and been told to believe by my family is that things may not work out or I may just change my mind. My parents love me so much and they don’t want me to hurt anymore because they have seen the pain I have sat in for the last five years of my life, but they also do not want the life I want. They love me by pulling me down so that I cannot ever get hurt. I pull myself down so that I can never get hurt. I have allowed myself to lay bound by fear, rejection, and hopelessness. I have called it trust and hope in God. I have called it humility. I have called it a million things…but today I am going to call it for what it really is: Fear. Fear that I am a nobody to God who will sit in a cubicle forced to swallow my disappointment and dreams in the name of contentment in Christ. I am not sure I should expect to get any of the things I desire…so in the face of so many wonderful things at hand I find myself scared out of my mind. I am afraid to actually dive into the pool of goodness before me. God is not cruel. He does not play jokes with us. He is a Father who desires to lavish with goodness. I am trying to discover if it is both eternal goodness as well as earthly goodness. I do not want to act as a caged animal when really I have been set free. I wrote a few months ago that I was afraid that God would let me drop. That all the goodness He was giving me in His arms would just come crashing down as He let me fall…God has never given me reason to believe this. He has been holding me tightly from day one. The world is cruel sometimes. It hasn’t been the nicest to me…but I no longer want to live trapped to lies I have believed. I want to learn how to live in the sunshine of God’s love. To receive His gifts. I do not know how to receive love. This is a season to receive love. I know it. I believe it. I hope for it. I am scared…I mean what if I cannot get a job in Nashville, what if I am not loveable, what if I never hike the AT, what if I never get to love people in crazy ways…what if I am stuck in debt and so have to work a job I hate forever…what if…what if…what if I actually decided to trust God? What if I didn’t live in fear? It’s just that I have never had so much good to be afraid to lose. It is one thing to hold onto dear life to fake pearls…but what if you are holding onto the real deal? I may go bury some treasures. I mean let’s just be rational. If God knows what my heart is and if what my heart desires is what He desires…then well, it would make sense that God would open the right doors…and if not then He would close them. I am going home and eating some gushers. Then I may go rock climbing and write letters and play in the sunshine. If other’s can push through the lies that Satan is trying to trap them under than I can to. So yeah.

I feel it necessary to say that once upon a time I had a major crush on Larry the Cucumber from Veggie Tales...and I have no idea why I feel inclined to say that. Perhaps all this felt heavy to write and the end needed some comedic relief…oh and it needed some Sun Lux/My Brightest Diamond. HMMMHHHMMM.

Quatsi

I have been listing to “Dirt” by the Collection a whole lot lately.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_JZUyY-rrs)

I am just reminded of the beauty of God’s love for us. We are dirt and yet so precious. My friend Toni reminded me that we are all so unique and have something so important to bring to the world. That thought makes me desire to live that out in my life and share it with other’s. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own world and woes that I forget what God is doing. I only see the dirt and not the beautiful things He springs out of it. Spring is here, and I am starting to see the beautiful blossoms on the trees and the flowers popping up from the ground. These things are springing from the dirt just like God is doing beautiful things in me and the people around me from the dirt.

I feel the last few years of my life has been dirt, but God is so wonderful and full of love. God is building a forest in my life right now of beautiful things. He is creating trees that will allow birds to come and rest in my branches. I guess, I am just super overwhelmed that God would continue the good work He started in me…but that is God. He is the creator of beauty. He has the most integrity and faithfulness ever.

Check out Act 9. I mean, He takes us at our ugliest and is like "man yeah I want to use that you". I want God. I will not stop until I am in His arms (literally). I am not sure how to fully process His goodness to me right now. And that is what the next season of my life is supposed to look like. God showering me with goodness and me learning to let Him. To let Him use me even though I came from dirt. To give me good things and remind me that He is love. How is it that I am so terrified???

My job now is to learn how to except God’s love and grow in integrity, humility, and die to self every day so that He can take over. I love my job!

I am giving over fear and failure to God. I am pretty sure this next step in my journey with God is about to get crazy…I can’t wait to be washed over and bulldozed!

81 vs. 45

It’s a horrible thing how much time I waste in the could be future than being in the definite present. I do not know what tomorrow will hold. God is holding that. He has everything worked out. All I know is today. And today I have dear friends who don’t know God. Why am I not pouring into them and showing them God’s goodness with every second I can? I want something more. I want…I want. But what about what I HAVE? I want to lay down my wants to God and pick up my haves and go with it. I feel very much like Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit. He keeps regretting the fact that he said he would go on the adventure, but still he finds himself over and over pulled into his adventure. I want to live like that. Going forward more and more with small pockets of being overwhelmed by what I want as opposed to being overwhelmed with what I want with pockets of going forward. I know I cannot actually stop having wants, but I want to dive into what I have with all my heart, soul, and mind. I have been promised the second that I am living in the moment, not the next second, minute, hour, day, year, etc. Will I be found faithful and content with each second?!

Right now it is 81 degrees in Nashville. It is 45 degrees in Lynchburg. Oh the testing of contentment, ha!

And then you see lightning and hear thunder and you are soooo happy to be exactly where you are!!!!

To Pluto’s Moon to Text Back Tempos

God is like the ocean because:

I am desperately in love with God and His beauty. He makes no sense and in that He makes all the sense in the world. How can He be such a calm ocean and yet so powerful and full of the craziest creations?! I just went on a short tour with some of the dearest friends I have ever had in which we drove a lot, packed/unpacked even more, and slept a little. I thought two things that would come from this trip: 1) I thought it was going to be really uncomfortable to be on tour when I am not actually a part of the band and 2) I thought I was going to be super drained throughout the trip and feel super frazzled by the end. Turns out that people were super encouraging and brought a lot of joy to me by how they responded when they found out I was just a friend chillin out on tour even though I cannot play anything. Also turns out that I was brought so much joy, peace, and rest this trip. It is amazing…well God is amazing. I love life. I love the people in it that I get to share it with. I am not going to lie. It really really really sucks to come home from such an amazing time. I loved being constantly with people I love, meeting new people, seeing new places, and being able to pray with my friends whenever something came up that needed prayer. I love that lifestyle. I have always wanted to travel around being a part of the music scene and just living life in a crazy way…I always thought it was something I could never experience because I cannot sing or play an instrument. It is really awesome to have friends take extra work and effort to fit me in their car so I could come enjoy the journey. I wish I could do that all the time, but I will certainly take the adventure when I can. It’s hard to come back and return to the normal when you live life with schemes and adventures. I have had to fight back sadness today, but God reminded me that every day is His. Whether I am driving on the Blue Ridge Parkway yelling out the window at some beautiful icicles or I am sitting in a gray cubicle getting yelled at by students. He is a God of enormous beauty that demands my joy and contentment no matter what!!!

I have been reading The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. And today while I was romping around in the some mud on my lunch break I was reading about repentance from a wandering heart…ironically right after reading Proverbs 4:23 about guarding your heart. Man, our God is so good…sometimes when I feel I am about to break and I have nothing I am reminded that I have repentance. I can cry out to my Father who gives a crap about what I care about. He cares when I am hurting and cares when my world feels like it is crashing. My friends care about that too, but one thing God can do that my friends cannot do is forgive me for my discontentment. God can give me freedom from my pain by forgiving me for Him not being enough to me. God has been teaching me a lot how to walk with Him. Just me and Him walking along…when I am a small child grasping for things that I want that I cannot have my friends can comfort me when I don’t get them, but God can literally take me by the hand and walk me ahead. Keep me going. God loves so big, and in His discipline we find His love so big.

Want to build and live in a Yurt with me?!?!

Playing God is scary. I don’t want the responsibility. I want to be forgiven for every trying to be Him. Forgive me. I am just trying to live life. It is so hard.

Wasted: Double Kill

I love how God makes so much sense. Remain in God and He will remain in you. You can do nothing with God.

I love God’s commandment to love others and in keeping His commands we are living fully and full of joy.

I love that I am ready for God to come and walk with me. Just Him and me. Not leaving behind the body of Christ or others, but God has been trying to steal me away for a while now. I have never realized how much He has been patiently waiting (and tugging at me constantly) to take a walk just me.

I thought I had thrown away a really important list the other day, and in my panic I realized that as long as I walk with God and stay close to Him my list is not lost. And really it may be that my list needs to lay waste for God’s list to really start its work. My job is to remain in God and follow Him. He is going to take me on the most beautiful journey. It will be super hard at times I know, but it will be the most wonderful!

Lesson learned this week: When God gives you a big heart for people do not just sit in that. If you sit in it you will hurt, but if you take that heart for people back to God He will do amazing things. Prayer is essential.

There have been some pretty major burdens on my heart for friends and for decisions. My heart has been fit to break and every time I feel like I am going to completely collapse I find myself being reminded to take it to God. Just do it! Just walk right up to the throne of God and humble start going through your backpack full of crap and hand it to God. I mean seriously! (I am preaching to myself by the way…self-motivation holler) God didn’t give me this backpack full of crap to just carry around and destroy me, but He gave it to me so that I can learn to let Him love me and carry me. God’s yoke is easy…man never seemed as clear as it does right now. I feel like I am holding onto the dearest of stuffed animals. You know when you have that one (or four if you were me) stuffed animal or blanket or what not that was your comfort, your friend, your special place when you were a kid? It’s like having to hand it to over to someone to fix it when it’s ripped or broken or needs to be cleaned. It is a horrible feeling, but if you continue to hold on it will never get fixed. I am learning to hand the most precious things in my life over to Him…to heal, to clean, to purify, to make legit, etc. It’s painful man, but the people and things I love the most are much safer in God’s hands than in mine.

It is a good week…and this weekend is absolutely looked forward to. What fun things will God do? Can’t wait to find out!!!!