God or Me?

Sometimes I find myself sitting in a cubicle…hating life. I was not made for a cubicle, but God knows this. He has plans, but right now this is where I am. I am no longer convinced that the argument of this is where God has me and this is what He wants for me right now. I am not sure of that. I am sure though that He is here with me…He may want me out of this cubicle the way I want out of the cubicle, but we are here together for just a little bit longer. I have been reminded time and time again in the last few months of God’s love and grace and desire for good in my life. It’s like a sneak peak took place of the presents God has for me…but right now patience is the gift that God is helping me receive. I am here now. And now God is just as big and calling for just as much joy. Whether I am hanging out with my friends Timbre and Mason who are so far away in Nashville/my friends here or in this cubicle answering phone calls…whether I am surrounded by people pursuing God or surrounded by people who are just doing what they do…the thing is that God and the joy I have in should not change. 

At work today I was just in such a rough, annoyed, and angry mood. Every phone call was preluded with me clenching my fists and saying I don't want to do this...and then I answered as pleasantly as I could...but I felt like I was being forced to lie...to pretend I was okay. I have never been very good at pretending...which is a good and bad thing I suppose.

Something happened though, I heard God saying, "Hey...I made you with uniqueness. I made you crazy. I made you funny. I made you with a joy in being in people's lives that doesn't make sense. I made you. I made you with a huge heart. I made you with such unique perspective and passions. I made you to not care about the world's opinions of what is cool. I made you to shine...and guess what you are doing? You are getting in the way of Me in you." That's a lot to hear from God when your in a cubicle...but what I realized is I am getting in the way of God's design and purpose. He may not want me in a cubicle but I am in a cubicle. If I am too focused on getting through the day then no one on the other end nor my coworkers will get to see God through me. 

God knows us. He loves us. He desires good for us. He desires life for us. The fact that the world is full of sin and cages locking us in is more painful to God then it is to us. But He wants the truth to shine through the darkness...no matter what the circumstances.

If Paul and Silas could sing praises to God locked in a jail cell after being beaten (Acts 16) then I can be singing and shining God's love and beauty in a cubicle cell. I know that I would rather be in a position of prison because I was spreading God's love and not because I work a job I hate...but I chose to get a Biblical Studies degree...I chose it because I wanted God. How easy it is to forget that this is for a season...but just because you are in a tough season does not mean you have the right to get in God's way.

So today I am choosing to let God through. To get out of the way of His design and purpose. So the people calling should see God in me just the way my friends I love get to see God in me. 

The truth though is that I need a lot of prayer please...this time in life is one of the hardest I have found myself in...but God is more obvious and loving then I have ever realized Him to be. 

I want to sing praises to God in my cubicle...I want to be Paul...no I want to be Jesus. He is here and He is so rich and full of love. I want people to meet Him and know Him...so why do I keep getting in the way?