תוהו ובוהו

I have spent my whole life in selfishness...too overwhelmed to help someone or hear someone or see someone...and now I am in a position where I am in a new place jumping from home to home...all I want is for someone to ask me how I am doing and hear me...but I know that I cannot share my words with people right now...so instead I ask others how they are doing and hear them. I am financially unstable but I get to share with others...I feel that I came to Nashville feeling that this was a time for God to love on me like I am a baby...completely helpless...I thought this would be a time of lavishing as I selfishly take from God and others...and somehow what happened is that I find myself in a place where I feel I am being called to stop throwing a tantrum and open my eyes to see the world around me. I have been just living with others and hearing there life while my words remain stored away from most people here in Nashville. I came to talk...and yet I am here to listen...I came to heal...and the healing is so ridiculous that it makes no sense. I have been forced to let go...and I have been handed the adventures and the new eyes I have been asking for forever...but to be honest...I am so overwhelmed...I still have to live with my life...my choices...I miss my friend. I don't know what will happen...I can't change anything nor can I do anything...but I hate sin...I want relationship. I miss her. And I am realizing the weight of my move to Nashville in my expectations...I am here...but my heart is somewhere...and reality is here. I can't say what I want...but what I can say is this: my heart in my current life circumstances feels the way I feel when I listen to Bon Iver...enchantingly joyful and crushingly brokenhearted. Oh friends...please pray for my heart...these new freedoms are heavy...my adventures are heavy...nothing right now fits...my greatest adventures are matched with hardest struggles...too much all at once...but I am going to view it like the hardest rock climbing problem...I am going to grit my teeth, chalk my bloody hands, and beast it!!! I am determined to love my current life in all the good and all the bad...I am determined to conquer it...but my mind and my heart waver between being strong enough...lol 

I told my friend Ginger this...it feels like Rocks and Moss...I am so broken and yet so healed. My journey over the last few years...and I mean heck the last few months...days...have been so painful...like walking on rocks...God is bringing me to a place of rest...like He is bringing me to a place of walking on moss...what I am realizing in this is that God is beautiful and rest is wonderful and yet my feet (heart) still hurt...there are sores and blisters and blood still left to heal...I am feeling the sore sting of the rocks upon the beautiful moss...

But what the heck...despite the brokenness of my heart with friends, pain of uncertainty, weariness from houselessness, sting of sin...I am on one of the coolest and most humbling adventures...but I am tired so I am going to sleep...gotta get up early to rock climb!!! :)