Umbrellas and Bushes

I am eating Tofu at the moment and contemplating whether the eggs I ate this morning were stopping the process of a baby chicken coming into life or if the egg was just never fertilized...so forgive me if my post turns out a bit strange. Speaking of strange...to feel that no where is home is strange...I just went and visited Lynchburg where I have lived for the last 5 years but it no longer felt like home...in just a month it became a strange place to visit with beautiful friends there that I have missed. And then I journed back home to Nashville...but that doesn't feel like home either...it was strange to be caught up in the in between...but isn't that where we, sons and daughters of God, are? This is not our home...until we are fully restored into our rightful relationship with God nothing will ever feel like home. I want to embrace this truth. I do not want to feel perfectly at home until I am fully restored in Christ. Nashville feels more like home then anywhere else now because I feel I am getting closer to God and living amongst people who are the body of Christ to me...and yet I am not home. So what am I learning while I am away? Well, this past month has been pretty ridiculously overwhelming...in good and bad ways.

Things I am learning in no particular order:

1) God is very loving. He really does care and does demand life for us. He desires to get His hands messy in sanctification with us. He makes us worthy...beautiful...He makes us able to love.

2) I have a choice: I can choose to be in God/life or I can choose to be in Sin/Death. The things I hate...I have the choice to say no to. Simple...hard...but much easier then I originally ever believed.

3) Communication is good and beautiful. I am realizing I bought into a lie that my thoughts/feelings/opinions were not right nor were they safe to share...I forgive myself and others who helped teach this to me and prepare to embark on a new journey. To be known by someone is not to just let them in on your past but to let them in on your present. If something is eating at my mind or I feel a certain way I will no longer hide who I am or how I feel for fear that it will be shut down or rejected or that I will be rejected...I am who I am and I feel how I feel and with the help of God I hope to become more and more like Christ in those aspects...but I want to share who I am with those around me...not keep myself looking good on the outside but something else on the inside.

4) God gives us warning signs for a reason, and it is never okay to ignore them for the sake of your plans. If my car check engine light comes on I will not embark on a trip across the country...so why do I do the same in living terms?

5) I must learn to live for myself...not get ready for life with someone...but just get ready for life for me...for God in my life. I want a family...but as I reminded myself by reminding a friend. God sometimes has bigger plans then our momentary satisfaction of our requests.

6) God is always close...always waiting for me to turn to Him. It is never Him that keeps us apart...its is me...I want to change that and get closer and closer.

7) I need to learn how to interact with the guys around me...not needing affirmation...that was a poor lie that I have allowed myself to remain victimized under...but I do not have to be the victim anymore...and my past should not way lay to my present/future.

8) I am human. I have feelings. I am not perfect...I need to be okay with how I feel sometimes...work them out and give them to God...but it is time to stop being so hard on myself.

9) Seriously, stop being so hard on yourself.

10) I have opened so many doors into my life for Satan to swoop in and destroy...now is the time to start shutting those doors...I like Aslan lions...not devouring Satan lions.

11) I love babies...I want babies.

12) I want to hike the Appalachian Trail so badly and for some reason my heart is longing for it way more. I do not trust that God will open the door for this desire.

13) Never miss an opportunity for God to work in your life. He is always there...and always working in  crazy ways.

14) I love God.

15) I do not have to compare myself with others and consider myself a failure or a winner...I am a Meme. And not meant to be anything but a Meme...well a Natalie I suppose I am meant to be as well.

Renew your mind. Bodies as living sacrifices.
This is real...this is necessary...this is life abundant.

No, life here in Nashville is not all peachy keen. Somedays it sucks...my heart hurts a lot...I struggle with being who I want to be...or even wanting to be who I want to be. But...it is the closest thing to being out in the woods...I can breathe a little better here. And now that I am realizing that I need to be living my life and preparing for my life...with just me in in...just me and God...I feel I am going to be breathing a lot more now.

Things to do:

1) Find a place to live for free/relatively cheap for a month or two...in 18 days...(God, please help provide...really)

2) Find families/mentors.

3) Make 1 or 2 new friends apart from Grace Center/or people connected to everyone I know.

4) Work out more.

5) SPEND TIME WITH GOD WHERE I ALLOW HIM TO SPEAK AND WASH ME.

6) Find new places to explore no one has shown me.

7) Join rock climbing gym.

Well,
     I am very sleepy. And this post was not nearly what I wanted or meant it to sound like...but hi, I am Meme...and these are my thoughts as they pour out of my head. Tomorrow: I need to realize the importance of intimacy with my King. I need Him to be my love.


Good night dear friends.